This holiday season, make sure to confront your family about current issues like for example: how they choose to pronounce “pecans”.
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ME: [rubbing stomach after a big meal]
WAITER: please stop touching me
If they worked, nobody would own more than one self-help book.
Can’t sleep because I keep finding exciting opportunities to get pissed off.
cops: neighbours reported sounds of a struggle
**i begin to weep as I glance at my skinny jeans**
The secret to good barbecued chicken is to marinate them in the sauce for 3 days prior to grilling. The hard part is getting them to sit still.
Um my neighbor is operating a wood chipper …. at night👀
“To the window, to the wall” – me directing the carpet layers
3: My mask is gonna keep my nose safe so my boogers don’t fall out of my body
beginning to think I may never inherit a chocolate factory
Blackout curtains because I’ll decide what time it is.
Nice beard bro looks like you just ate a bunch of lollipops then made out with your cat
Mere moments after taking screen time away from my 6yr old as punishment I realized my grave mistake, the person really being punished was me.
My favorite childhood memory is not having a job.
Son: Mom, I’m having a problem at school.
Me: Oh no, buddy, what’s wrong? Do you need me to show you the Karate Kid again?Parenting is easy.
I’ve always taught my children that no matter what race or religion, all good looking people deserve respect.
ME: [deep in thought] it’s just so scary, u know?
HER: what is, life?
ME: [imagining an octopus holding 8 samurai swords] yes. Life.
There should be an Uber for somebody to come over and wrap all your presents.
Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”
Hi, I need to schedule a doctor’s appointment. Why? I’m down a few pounds and need it documented in my permanent record. I AM THINNER and won’t be ignored.
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* BUT WHERE DOES THE STORK GET THE BABY FROM?!?
My 6yo hacker daughter has discovered that she can use her Google mini to control her brother’s Google mini in his room.
I just had to scold her for messing with him by remotely playing random music that he hates, just to troll him
I’m not ready for this.
Fun idea: Have a magician saw you in half at your funeral. Or not even a magician, just anybody with a big saw.
“What if Waldo finds me first?” I ask naively. Grandma closes the book; the blood drains from her face. “Don’t let that happen,” she warns.
It’s a good thing that our phones only convey sight and sound. No offense, but from most of you I would never want to receive a smelfie!
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. Or plates. Paper plates are ok. No hammers, though. What are you – Thor?
How is it that a parking spot gets paid more per hour than I do
My dad when I follow google maps instead of the path he yells from the backseat
I forgot the term “gait” so I said the horse had a nice swagger.
Me: why doesn’t anyone talk to me at work?! 😩
Coworker: …
Me: <takes earbuds out> I’m sorry, what?