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Making crop circles IS a full time job, Troy. No one gets funding to study aliens if there are no aliens to study. Duh.
I just bet a hyena £1000 that he couldn’t swim across a river and now he’s laughing all the way to the bank.
Stranger: so what do you do?
Me: I’m in seminary
S: seminary huh? so you can’t get married?
M: nah, I can’t get married bc of my personality
It took me a good two minutes of trying to figure out why I put the freezer food in the cupboard, before I remembered that I have kids who wanted to help put the groceries away
My son continued to wear his earbuds shopping with me after I told him not to so he didn’t hear me say I was leaving.
Hope he finds a ride home.
[surgeon in the recovery room] in addition to the hernia we also found $20 in change
[me who’s always been a good tipper] you’re welcome
An escape room but it’s just me trying to put on my hoodie with one sleeve inside out.
You find my yoga pants distracting…
…would you like me to take them off?
[therapy]
“Where does your fear of spiders come from?”
*flashback to Spider-Man trying to kiss me behind Applebees*
They’re just creepy okay
I love putting on warm underwear fresh out of the dryer. I also love to look around the laundromat and guess who they belong to.
me: i’d like to go to this place
google maps: u walking? i bet ur walking
me: no i’m driv-
google maps: it’s gonna take u 5 hours hope ur wearing comfy shoes
them: the new Batman film will be totally raw and gritty
me:
Auto correct changed “Help” desk to “Hell” desk and man, it got that right.
Them: Do your best you can’t hurt me anymore.
Social media apps: Hold my beer🍺.
I didn’t have to shower alone today…..
Related…….why the hell are there spiders in the winter?
My anaconda don’t want none unless you got a suitable living environment for him, a terrarium with a heat lamp, some small rodents, etc.
*knock at the door*
“H…hello?”
“Hi, i’m not a mouse”
“Phew, that’s good because im a large block of cheese, lemme just open thARGGGHHHHHHH
Face ID doesn’t recognize me unless I’m chewing
The incontinent optimist sees the bladder as half empty.
Dr: You’re diabetic. Too much sugar and I’ll have to amputate your legs.
Me: *shoving Cinnabon in mouth* Can I get those cool blade ones?
Apocalypse life hack: mute the news and play White Stripes “seven nation army”. It’s still horrible but it feels so much cooler
[Speed date]
Me: How many taco trucks are in close proximity to your house?
Him: I uh… I don’t…
Me: NEXT
i hate “oomf” because i do not read it as “one of my followers” i read it as mario taking damage in mario 64
Everyone talks about how mean geese are and how aggressive geese are but it seems like we used to eat a lot of goose holiday dinners and now we don’t so
Schrödinger’s wife: Have you seen the cat?
Schrödinger: I have good news and bad news
Realtor: And I can assure you the house has been child-proofed
*my kid walks in*
Me: I see you’re a liar
Weird how people think I won’t summon Satan when they talk to me while chewing.
Yeah, I’d like a job where I can spend more time with my dog.
– me at the employment agency