Don’t you hate it when you leave your gym bag in the hot car and all your Hershey Bars melt?
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Now that the coronation is over, perhaps King Charles will respond to my proposal for a noble quest.
Sometimes I’ll be staring at my phone for a few minutes and be like “what was it I was doing” then I’ll be like “oh yeah I’m driving a car”
I taught my 4yo niece to play poker today. It got pretty cutthroat, & I’m now the proud owner of a Barbie Dream house & her entire Hatchimal collection.
*Hiring an electrician
Just so I know you’re qualified, how many eels can you safely hook together and use as an extension cord
It was my daughter’s turn to pick the movie the other night and I was not prepared for her to choose a yeti documentary
Inventing croutons:
What if rocks were bread
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“To compliment my hair?”
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] Maaaaybe.
Hell hath no fury like a pizza pocket that hasn’t had proper cooling time.
George Michael plays a genetic scientist whose work accidentally wipes out 80% of the human population in .. ‘Careless CRISPR’
Always look both ways before crossing a woman.
If you believe that no great story ever started with someone eating a salad, then you’re using the wrong kind of mushrooms.
Ran in the store to get something healthy for breakfast
I got to tell you that this peanut butter, chocolate iced donut is delicious
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
waiter: is everything ok?
me: *bubble noises*
Yoga Matt
Finding a guy to marry who is rich enough to pay off my debt, but not so rich he wants a prenup is, like, so much harder than I anticipated.
Inventor of the Number 1 Pencil: Surely you will be the most popular pencil!
What if instead of meth you made the powerpuff girls?
Saw a man holding a newspaper and a blackberry so time travel is possible you guys!
My cousin Clevis is afraid of nudists. He’s the only person I know who bought a T-shirt cannon for self-defense.
Yesterday we got a puppy and my kids are so smitten that they’ve cut down their screen time enormously by 5%
I told the kids they’ve stressed me out so much I burst a vessel in my eye, so they brought me a plate of cheese.
I was hoping for a clean kitchen but I am disarmingly soothed.
When I’m in a bathroom stall, please don’t yell “Oh my God oh my God there’s a guy in here!” Respect my privacy.
{At funeral}
*holding widows hand* I’m sorry for your loss. He had so much updog
“What’s updog?”
*pats her hand* Not much what’s up with you
[first date with woman who has a kid]
HER: i’m a single mom
ME: yeah no shit, how many moms did you think i thought you were
If you ever see a get rich quick scheme, that’s someone else trying to get rich quick off you.
My toddler just threw her teddy bear out of her crib like she works for United Airlines.
some bucket lists are like “visit Paris”, my bucket list is more “see a guy get smucked off the top of a truck by an overpass”
wild how someone lied about how they got pregnant 2000 years ago and now i have an air fryer
her: let’s try roleplaying
me: can I be a hypochondriac?
her: you got it
me: *suddenly nervous* got what
I found $100 in my pocket this morning and almost quit my job