Saying wash your hands
-Mundane
-May go unheard
-Have to beg my kids to do itRequesting the cleansing your portable sandwich fabricators
-Interesting
-An adventure
-Have to beg my kids to do it
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I asked my doctor if this heavily advertised, extremely ineffective medicine with many frightening side effects might be right for me.
Your life flashes before your eyes right before you die. It takes an average of 70-80 years.
Why did they call them army chefs and not the mealitary?
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
I’m staying in an Airbnb and an ice cream truck has just gone through the neighborhood for the fourth time today. I should pack and leave, right?
“The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.”
– inept cardiovascular surgeons who end up going into gastroenterology
Texted my wife that our 4-year-old jumped rope for the first time. Later, she came home & said to him, “I heard you jumped rope today?”
He replied, “How did you hear me do that? You were at work!”
We are trained since birth that happiness comes from boobs or bottles.
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might shit your pants
I don’t know if you really meant to Like Ebola on Facebook, 8,000 people
The biggest lie commercials ever told me was that some day I’d be at a party and some beautiful person would show up with a bag just overflowing with McDonald’s cheeseburgers.
Owner: I want to charge 6.99 for a cookie
Devil: I’ve got an idea
We built this community from the ground up as opposed to choosing a point in the air and building downwards from there.
[lumberjack interview]
BOSS: I’m gonna “axe” you a few questions. Haha do you get it?
ME: Yeah I “saw” that coming
BOSS: Ooo welcome aboard!
Me, flirting😏
My kids played camping today and my job was to stay in the tent and sleep, I’ve never been so good at a game before
Cats will have a King sized bed all to themselves and still lie on the one spot where you left your sweatshirt.
7yo niece, pointing at my belly: that’s your proof of baby.
Well, I WAS having a nice day.
Lao Tzu:
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single stepLao Tzu [after having kids]:
It now takes a thousand steps before I even start a journey, godDAMMIT
[hears a baby crying on the train]
Can somebody put that thing on silence please?
“It’s a baby..”
…
“…”
Vibrate?
Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.
White t-shirt: lol same.
well, this sucks. apparently anti bird spikes work on you even if you’re not a bird but just like sitting high
My dog doesn’t wear a collar, he wears one of those big gold chains that major league baseball players wear.
I once tried to the Dirty Dancing lift with my cat but it turns out Mr. Mittens isn’t very strong.
Holy crap this is wonderful
Having a little nap on the sofa before taking myself up to bed for my main sleep; I call that a snors d’oeuvre.
“What did you make milk out of today?” [Overheard in the library]
teacher: there’s no such thing as a stupid question
me: are sharks just mean dolphins
teacher: ok i was wrong
My kid just told me that the 10/10 I got on an attractiveness scale is “just a totally random number and doesn’t actually mean anything”, if you’re in the market for an assassin.
I really hope someone makes a movie about a time traveler that keeps going to 2020 to fix it but makes it worse each time