stop calling sandwiches sammies you weirdos
You Might Also Like
My daughter, a hair stylist, has a tiny pair of scissors tattooed behind her ear with tiny red teardrops for clients she accidently stabbed.
Well, I made it up past 9pm, so yeah, you could say my Friday night is wild and crazy.
wife: That guy is texting and driving! That is so dangerous!
me [holding a donut in each hand and steering with my knee]: So dangerous
[date]
HER: So what’s your spirit animal?
ME: Roosters.
HER: Lol, why?
ME: *leans in close* I also start my day screaming.
I was getting my haircut during a trip to Vancouver when a fellow customer overheard me say where I lived.
“While visiting Japan recently, I recently met a guy from your town.”
I jokingly asked if it happened to be my friend, as he had also recently been to Japan.
It was.
If you’re not suppose to eat late at night, then why is there a light in the refrigerator?!
I’m awake but I object,
dad: *holds up condoms* what are these
son: …
dad: *pulls out matches* you’re gonna smoke every last one
If the chef tells me he made this with blood, sweat, and tears I’m calling the health department
cellmate: what are you in here for
me: [snuggling] my bunk is cold
the #horror is real!
Get your hero name by doing something brave and seeing what the newspapers call you.
I’m Local Man.
How did the date go?
-Not good.
Aww what went wrong?
-*thinks back to accidentally popping a zit into her soup* She just wasn’t my type.
“the immaturity and the copying are my main issues” I say in a whiny voice as my wife storms out of the counsellors office
Hi. This automated call is to let you know that the prescription you don’t need is available and that the one that you do need has been discontinued. Press one to continue to get annoying calls like this. Press two for the same thing.
[Me as a boxing commentator]
ME: Oh no, they’re fighting again, this is just like last time
[first date with woman who has a kid]
HER: i’m a single mom
ME: yeah no shit, how many moms did you think i thought you were
IF YOU CHOOSE NOT TO DECIDE, YOU STILL HAVE MADE A CHOICE is something I like to shout at people who hold up the line at Taco Bell.
Before I got a phone I used to just stare at my right hand all day
I was going to eat a healthy snack, then I remembered that time when Eve ate an apple. Figured, it’s better not risk it.
My boyfriend is so rude. He hasn’t even introduced himself to me yet.
The only way anyone should die is “mysteriously.” It just makes for better stories. “He lived a long, full life and died peacefully in his sleep.” Lame. Boring. A waste. “He lived a long, full life and disappeared in Panama, leaving enigmatic clues.” Excellent. Superb. No notes.
The people on house hunting shows are always like “I am a bus driver, and my partner here collects dead bugs. Our limit is 6 million dollars”.
Get real…
Farmers who aren’t pro tractors, what’s your angle?
“It wasn’t such a GOOD FRIDAY for Jesus, if you think about it.” -Every youth pastor today.
The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.
My husband is suddenly showering everyday, so I assume he’s having an affair
Lord help the person who honks at a mom while she’s strapping her kids in their car seats.
It was already gonna take an hour to get us ready, but now it might just take 2.
Remember, if you start with, “It’s crazy to think…” you can say whatever you want.
My kids: Papa, we’re pretending we are hurricanes!
Me: What do you mean by pretending?