Just once in movies when someone gently shuts a dead person’s eyes I want them to whisper “Ew, ew, ew, ew.” while doing it.
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“I hate it when people pretentiously drop French words and phrases into conversations” I said to my fiancé, a propos of nothing, while en route to a café to enjoy hors d’oeuvre and an apéritif.
A psychiatrist is just a friend you pay to listen to your problems because your other friends are tired of hearing about them.
philosophy professor: you must question everything
[later]
me: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have you been doing all day, you piece of shit
When I was in 1st or 2nd grade my teacher once incorrectly marked that I had misspelled the word “weird” on some schoolwork. Rather than looking it up in the dictionary to prove I was right, my parents had me bring in this coffeetable book of pulp magazine covers to show her.
Thinking of becoming the “where’s my hug” guy in prison.
WIFE: Hey why are all our potatoes dressed in tiny outfits and arranged in a little scene?
ME: [hiding Photato Album] Why? Do you like it?
A new rule at the office is if you cry you get sent home. Anyways, I can’t stop crying.
Tech support: What seems to be the problem?
Me: The child unit keeps asking me “Why?” over and over and over. I’m going crazy. Please help!
TS: That is a known glitch. The only fix is an update, which won’t be available for at least another year.
[child gets stuck in claw machine]
Me: [calls husband] “Hi honey, you’re not going to believe this, but I found us a babysitter for this evening.”
Dear burglar, I’m really sorry about all the mess getting in your way, I wasn’t expecting company
Airports have the right idea. If you’re gonna stress people out, at least give them bookstores, coffee, cocktails, and let them wear sweatpants. It’s only fair.
This doctor once told me eating a bagel was like eating 5 slices of bread and I was like ok, cool, I like bread
Well doctor, my problem is basically this: when it snows, my eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen.
Genesis is my favorite rock group who’ve been around long enough to write a chapter in the bible.
I cannot stop thinking about how the director of Con Air’s previous directing credit was 10 years earlier and it was the music video for Rick Astley’s Never Gonna Give You Up.
I grew up before google, and as a kid I didn’t know bread was slang for money. Spent my childhood wondering why they put bread in Billy Joel’s jar.
Imagine the Gilmore Girls discussing which wire to cut on a bomb.
Yes, I’m a slob, but I’m a sanitary slob. Underneath all the clutter it’s actually clean.
Cop: I pulled you over because your driving has been erratic
Me: oh, I think the guy in my trunk was trying to communicate with me via Morse code
Cop: what
Me: what
nothing like a slow cooked sausage
*First date*
Him: I just want someone to say to me I love you and really mean it someday!
Me: I love you and really mean it someday..
Him:
Me: there’s no pleasing some people
Relationship status~ Siri saw my browser history & now she isn’t talking to me either
I walked outside and my glasses fogged up so I went inside to switch to contacts and stay there until October.
ME: Wow I have to print this document right now
PRINTER: Like, right right now?
bird: I’m a bird. I have the ability to soar majestically over the mountains. I have a bird’s eye view of this beautiful planet and can see how wonderful it all is
me: and yet you choose to hang out in this McDonald’s parking lot
bird: did I mention I’m a seagull?
Inside you are two wolves as city sprawl continues driving them from their natural habitat
Men will ask me to send nudes it’s like, sir I won’t even send clotheds
Reasons to carry a handkerchief:
3) You’ve never heard of tissues
2) You’re doing a magic trick
1) You’re hiding your face to rob a train
Me: you don’t want to finish your dinner?
4yo: (hands me plate) I’m full
Me: are you sure…
4yo: I’M FULL! I’M FULL!
Me: (taking plate from 4yo) ok then…
4yo: Can I have a snack?
Me: 🧐
Never throw sunglasses in an argument. If they land perfectly on your opponent’s face there is no known comeback.