I watch people through binoculars as a hobby, but the cops call it a felony…
I never knew those were synonyms.
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*tries CBD oil for the first time*
“OMG OMG I FEEL IT, I THINK I’M HIGH! I’M TOTALLY HIGH”
“Ma’am, there are little to no narcotics in that”
“So you’re saying there’s a chance”
“And you are?” she asked.
I puffed out my chest, hoping that if I angled my name tag correctly I could read its reflection in her sunglasses
*plane starts to crash*
Don’t worry, Jesus is my co-pilot
*looks over to see Jesus jumping out with the only parachute*
Well hell
Walking into WalMart with my kids, “Remember, kids – use your Target voices.”
cornerman: get in there and hit him right between the eyes
boxer: but there’s SO many eyes
mr. potato head: *cracks knuckles*
wife: I found a hypnotist who can fix our oldest sons disobedience & dandruff
me: [nodding] a good heir conditioner
Her: I’m pregnant!
Bob Ross: [shocked] That’s…a mistake.
Her: Well we didn’t plan it, but don’t you always say-
Bob Ross: THAT is about PAINTING, Linda!
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
Using the phrase “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger,” only shows that you’re unoriginal and know nothing about spinal cord injuries.
hm. i’ve been alive 26 years and I still do not know what you’re supposed to eat for lunch on thanksgiving in order to maximize your dinner enjoyment
Tell your wife her butt looks big in those jeans.
Live a little.
Therapist: Why did you bring a lawyer to a therapy session?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
Wife: But the zoo told you never to come back
Me: [loading hotdogs into shotgun] Those giraffes can’t live on salad, Eleanor
My kid fell asleep in the car holding his half-eaten donut, so I did the responsible thing and finished it for him
Just ate so many carrots I can see through drywall.
If your Tesla catches fire and locks you inside it’s not a problem, you just have to look up a ten minute YouTube video to figure out how to escape
The Facebook emojis are stages of dating-marriage-divorce
If you want to know how the week is going, I just took a pillowcase out of the dryer, put it over my head thinking it was a t-shirt to wear to bed, spent 15 seconds inside it searching for the neckhole, and then mumbled “what is this, pants?”.
In case nobody has Facebook, it’s cold outside.
centaur: I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
Ordered ribs so I’d have to put my phone down. Discovered new talent. Pinky scroll
Me: *quits life and moves into a pillow fort*
Them: You need to live in the present.
Me: *covers fort in wrapping paper*
Does your wife know you’re single?
Welcome to middle age. You now do sock, shoe, sock, shoe to be more efficient when bending over.
Listen if we’re still single in 10 years do you wanna get hitched?
My cat:…
Today as a Random Act of Kindness, I wore a really tight sweater to work.
KGB: You’re being activated and sent to America. There you will acquire and report all sensitive and relevant intel and relay back to Kremlin
Bear Family: what’s our cover?
KGB: You will sell crap ton of toilet paper
Tried to challenge the guy in the stall next to me to a thumb war, now he’s holding my hand & crying about his childhood.
I need to wipe.
I switched to brown eggs but can barely taste the chocolate. Huge disappointment.
[at symphony concert]
*marimba part begins*
Me: *takes out iPhone* Hello?