BARISTA: what can I get you
ME: medium roast please
B: ok, your gray roots are getting obvious and you have the silhouette of a potato
M: *under breath* damn
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RIP boiling water. You will be mist.
Me: I’m an atheist. Nothing is on purpose. Nihilism 4eva
Also me: *sees my birthday numbers anywhere* this is a sign.
I once dated guy who talked so much about his ex-wife that I broke up with him and started dating her.
” i saw your ex”
A very unnecessary piece of information
So Nicolas Cage and John Travolta walk into a bar and the bartender says “hey, why the wrong face?”
I like men with glasses because once they come off everything is a little blurry and I’m very okay with that
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
The Carpenters did not have nearly enough songs about hammers or sawdust
If your jokes are corny I’m all ears.
I’m not hungover. I just like to wear my sunglasses when I open the fridge door. It makes me look cool.
I’m Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I’m good at cleaning.
Sorry I can’t make it to your party this weekend, but I’m busy not wanting to come.
big announcement, i’m working on a new horror property
*tooth fairy arrested for incisor trading*
Look I wanna be friendly, but you have to introduce yourself to me 3-5 times in the wild
Maybe having my husband talk to my son about how he shouldn’t be running a fantasy football league with his friends at school was a bad idea because my husband’s first question was, “What’s the buy in?”
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
The movie ”Finding Nemo” would’ve lasted only 5 minutes if his mother would’ve looked for him.
cop: do you know who the murderer is?
detective quasimodo: i have a [takes off sunglasses] decent lead
cop: [obviously disappointed] oh
detective quasimodo: what?
cop: it’s just i thought you were gonna say you had a… nvm it’s not important
Bedtime:
Brush teeth
Put on pjs
Read
Turn off light
Put them back in bed
Put them back in bed
Threaten everything they love
Put them back
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
My 4yo: *tiptoeing down the hallway 3 minutes after I tucked him in like he does every night.*
Me: *shouting from couch,* Go to bed!
4yo: *peeking head around the corner, surprised,* How did you know it was me?
Romantic movies taught me that you always have to walk out after a big argument so that 6yrs later you can meet by chance and get married.
The struggle when hungry me has to eat the lunch that healthy me packed
[moon landing]
ME: the beagle has landed
HOUSTON: you mean eagle?
ME: (holding the puppy I snuck onboard) nope
Me to 19 year old child: What did you order on YouTube for $20?
19: I don’t want to tell you.
Me: Was it porn?
19: It’s worse.
Me: What was it?
19: Beverly Hills Chihuahua 1 and 2
😆😆😆
ME: So you could say I’m bad to the bone?
DOCTOR: Yeah, but we call it gangrene.
Why I divorced her.
I just called my boss and told him I have explosive diarrhea. It’s my day off, but I like to keep him informed.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: “Mphh mophh wampph.”
T: Again, this works better if you don’t lie face down on the couch.