Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.
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Me driving at night:
I hope this is the road!
I can’t wait to hear Billy Joel’s song about 2020!
I hangout with different people each day so I can wear the same clothes for 3 days straight.
Warning to friends:
If you piss me off I’ll put a for sale sign in my yard and list your phone number to call for inquiries.
It finally happened. I’m at a restaurant and a guy at the next table told the waitress “Fun fact about me: I’m a google reviewer and my reviews have over 2.5 million views”
Goodnight honey.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
The stork flies them in.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Wind resistance. Go to sleep.
People choosing to not hang their laundry out to dry anymore is why I’m having a hard time improving my wardrobe.
Beyonce was Destiny’s Child. The other two were adopted.
My 4yo brought his Woody doll to the store and was swinging it around. I told him loudly to stop hitting people with his Woody. Parenting.
Kim Kardashian turns 40 & gets a hologram dad greeting but all I got when I turned 40 was sciatic pain & my pop saying “that’s your mom’s side of the family”
me, doing piggyback rides with daughter: isn’t this fun?
her: *out of breath* dad ur like super heavy
GIRLFRIEND: Hold on, Dan’s calling.
ME: Tell him I said, “Hi.” He’ll know what it means.
GIRLFRIEND: …I assume it means “Hi.”
ME: Yeah I didn’t say he was the only one who’d know what it means.
Programmed Siri to respond to any request with “That’s what she said.”
[Sesame Street casting]
Exec: ok, what kid role models do we have
A grouch, cookie addict, and 2 jobless roommates
Exec: Nice, let’s roll
CNN just wondered if I’m sending disasters to punish you for your sins. No, I’m sending them to punish you for CNN.
I asked my imaginary friend if I was emotionally stable, and she said yes, so…
My Mother worries about me living in London sometimes.
I tell her it’s not London she has to worry about.
I just injured myself on a potato.
Me: I’m terrible at fractions
Also me, at work: In another 23 minutes I’ll be 64/73rds through the day
guys in 2000’s: i want my pant legs as wide as possible.
guys now: please spray paint jeans onto me.
My “Savings Account” is just several pairs of unwashed jeans on the floor that may or may not still have change in the pockets.
Getting marriage advice from a priest is like taking your lawn mower to Burger King to get repaired.
My weight loss plan is to skip breakfast and lunch…
And then eat seven dinners.
every time we see a couple with a big age gap, my girlfriend goes “ugh what do they even have in common???” and it’s like, idk, maybe that they’re both getting extremely judgmental voicemails from every member of their family
I don’t want kids for the simple reason that math has changed and I won’t be able to help with their homework
The new Samsung phone shares every picture you take with all your friends as soon as you take it.
Good idea. What could possibly go wrong?
If you’re still trying to decide on your plans for Easter weekend, ask yourself “What would Jesus do?” and definitely don’t do that.
Kids: Yay! We have a 4 day weekend!
Me: *drinks wine straight from bottle*
Carefully choosing my grocery check out line based on the back of who’s head I want to beam hate into for the next 15 minutes.
PASTOR: and the lord said unto us—can u stop please? it’s very distracting
ME: [bouncing up & down on yoga ball] i don’t think he said that
2017 Resolution: spend more quality time with my son
*son begins describing his 500 new Pokémon cards*
Well, there’s always next year