falsely accusing someone of being a contrarian is absolutely brutal. what can they say to that
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Man: You’ve been very loyal but it’s best we part ways
Dog: I don’t understand. What’s the problem?
Man: Your talking kinda freaks me out.
When a pair of scissors hear you’re looking for them
IDGAF if you’re black, white, yellow, brown or blue.
Well, I do if you’re blue, I’ll stop and give you CPR if you’re blue.
{Apocalypse}
ME (To War, Famine, Pestilence and Death): Can I pet your horsies?
Me: “Time to go to sleep.”
My Brain: “I see you’re trying to sleep, can I offer a selection of your worst memories?”
me: sorry I called out my ex’s name just now
woman: three times though?
bloody mary: ew, am I on the ceiling
Today I was seated next to lovely, glowing, first-time pregnant woman, who looked me in the face and told me her child will be a mellow introvert. I let her have the moment.
My tubes are tied. I didn’t even know they were competing.
Today I saw a house that has a little replica of itself on the outside for some reason but THE LITTLE REPLICA ALSO HAS A LITTLE REPLICA WHAT IS THIS
Does my family really expect me to express my love for them on Valentine’s Day when we’ve been trapped together for months??
My husband has been hiccuping for almost an hour now. I’d scare him, but we ate chili earlier.
body: you’re dehydrated
me: I literally just drank a glass
narrator: that was 3 days ago
My kids won’t stop fighting over a balloon in case you’re looking to pinpoint the beginning of my supervillain origin story
I’m just a girl
Hiding under a bed
Hoping his wife leaves soon
Again
If there’s one thing that makes me want to throw up, it’s a dartboard on the ceiling.
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
Breaking news:
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
“Kids! Come say goodbye to your father!”
-Me, when my husband has a cold.
Why is “you’re a peach” a compliment but “you’re bananas” is an insult? Why do we allow such fruit discrimination?
“Dora” only rhymes with “Explorer” if you’re from Long Island, New York
“I’m so over you.”
– A blanket.
Mixology students be like, “My mint leaf dissertation needs to slap.”
my personal injury lawyer: *confused look*
me: ANSWER ME, ARE YOU SEEING OTHER CLIENTS OR NOT
:office birthday party:
CW: Would you like to sign the card?
Me: Nah, just here for the cake. Karen will understand.
CW: His name is Joe.
looking at weird sushi roll names and uh
Noah had a younger brother called Rick who just built a speedboat and saved 9 cheetahs
My husband’s on a work Skype, so every few minutes I silently cross the room behind him dressed as a new character from Wicked.
Now I’m getting threatened with “we have access to your iCloud.” I’ll be honest, I stand by most of my nudes. Frankly I’m way more embarrassed by all the inspirational quotes I’ve screen grabbed.
My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them