brain: did we get anything done this weekend?
me: no
brain: ok then at least we relaxed
me: somehow also no
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Them: “Live in the moment!”
Me: “HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MOMENT?”
Jack just tried to run down the bus, but sadly the bus was faster.
If you go to jail for tax evasion, you are living off taxes for not paying taxes.
And no thanking Jesus unless he actually shows up at the ceremony
Stop.
When traveling abroad it’s good to learn basic language. “I’d like a beer.” “Where’s the bathroom?” “I need a taxi.” “Just not in my hair.”
When you think about it, ‘I’ll pray for you’ is essentially saying ‘I’ll talk to myself about your problem’. Good luck!
He had a cocktail in one hand, a cigarette in the other, and a beautiful woman half his age in the other. Then in the other a green tennis ball.
They called him… The Juggler
My daughter was ‘graded’ 7/10 and 14/10 in her homework (just to color some objects) last week and 2weeks ago so I wrote in her correspondence book that 14/10 was an error.
School replied “Tara’s Mum, those were dates. We do not grade toddlers.”
I am embarrassed for myself.
’50 Shades of Grey’ taught me how to please a woman. It’s by writing a shitty book.
Pete Davidson always knows what’s different about you when you ask
Anyone want to do the laundry for me? Im exhausted. I can pay you in beanie babies or hot monkey sex.
The monkey’s name is Earl. He bites.
What brave editor will let me publish 1,500 words on why ordering ravioli at a restaurant is a scam? The sage butter is not making up for the fact that you’re charging me $27 for 4 small dumplings.
“Friends” ended in 2004 and had a reunion this week, which means the cicadas think it was on the whole time
*spider-man pacing the ceiling while Mary Jane is in the bathroom taking a pregnancy test*
“Pay attention to me, but not too much. Ignore me, but make me feel wanted. Let me know you want me, but don’t be clingy.”-women
I’m so tired, I’m thinking of visiting my grandma just so I can take a swig outta her oxygen tank.
I just found an unopened box of Girl Scout cookies underneath my futon in my mom’s basement so yeah-I found love in a hopeless place.
therapist : are you ever worried that-
me: Yes
Guys guide to AC levels in car with spouse:
If you’re hot, she’s cold
If you’re comfortable, she’s cold
If you’re cold, she’s not in the car
divorced parents be meeting at store parking lots exchanging they kids like it’s a drug deal. 😭
Why are the moths in this damn desert bigger than birds
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: *trying to impress* I love those guys, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
Learn from your mistakes. Make better & better mistakes until you’re making the best mistakes possible.
My background check bounced.
Follow me on Pinterest for seasonal craft ideas and spells for summoning ancient demons.
A small toddler is the closest thing you can have to a Pokémon. It follows you around, you love it dearly, no one else can understand what it’s saying, and it is obedient only when it wants to be. The main difference is that training it to fight other toddlers is frowned upon
Today, I want to talk about petting a cat with wet hands and why that’s no good for your hands or the cat.
[at TED talk]
OMG that man is having a heart attack! Anyone here a doctor?
*entire crowd stands*
No a MEDICAL doctor
*entire crowd sits*
listen closely