Just had a 10 minute argument about the importance wearing pants in public with a 5yo
She won, today I wear pants when I take her to school
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Running barefoot, the morning’s dew cool on my feet. My hair flows in the August breeze and I carry with me treasures from my past. I look to the horizon and I see him, my hero. And I smile. For today is Recycling Day and I’ve made it to the curb on time.
Server: Congratulations, ma’am
Wife: *confused* Er, thank you. Why?
S: Your husband said you’re eating for two
M: Oh she’s not pregnant
W: I despise you
Currently arguing with my toddler over how to spell the letter “A” if you’re thinking about having kids
GIRLS: if your boyfriend lives in a jar with a few pieces of grass, a leaf and a little twig. Congrats, you’re dating a bug.
My grandmother was parking on the street and I kept giggling. She finally asked me why, and I just said “paralleloGram.”
My bumper sticker says “My kid is your honor student’s drug dealer.”
A career website for plumbers called sinkedin
The first step to forgiveness is acknowledging that the other person is a complete twat.
My son is sitting next to me here playing some kinda shooting game and complaining about people using aimbots.
As someone who’s cleaned his bathroom I wish he’d use them too.
ME: hey boss it looks like I bit off a little more than I could chew
MORTICIAN: you’re so fired
584.
The “self-lubricated catheter” and the “discreet pocket catheter” have me rethinking what role catheters ought to be playing in my life.
don’t give me a cake pop unless it comes with a map that leads me to the rest of the cake, you piece of shit
If you look to me for any advice, what comes next, as well as any subsequent jail time, is on you.
[whispering to coworker who liked my status about having to put my dog down but never commented] so you like dead dogs do ya meghan?
a broth-er is the best relative to help you make soup
blessings are like coconuts
sometimes you get bonked on the head outta no where, like “what to heck is this furry bonk ball?! I hate it!”
but eventually you learn you can put a tiny umbrella, some rum and a krazy straw in there. now furry bonk ball is friend
[first time picking up the tab]
her: don’t forget to leave a tip
me: ah yes *scribbles ‘don’t do drugs’ on receipt*
A car hit me once, but it was okay because I’m autoimmune
I thought I was a decent driver, but while I was driving my 7-year-old comforted her crying baby sister by saying, “Don’t worry. You’ll get used to it.”
*walks up to girl working on her laptop in a cafe*
So you into computers?
My 7yo was asked what he loves most about his parents:
Mommy is cuddly, likes to dance, and makes yummy cookies.
Daddy is the only one in the family with hair on his face.
Therapy: Expensive
saying “ew” out loud to anything or anyone that opposes you: Free
After Samsung phones, now Samsung washing machines are exploding. Samsung is now the third biggest nuclear power after US and Russia.
Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved
Many many moons ago:
Teacher: Well 75% of you passed math exams and will not have to go to summer school this year
Me from the back: “YEAH BUT WHAT ABOUT THE OTHER 45% OF US”
I’m writing a book about a future hurricane. It’s only a draft at the moment
My french toast just surrendered to my german sausage.
Breakfast is weird at my house.
me: for lent i’m giving up kids
kids: what?
me: [pushing kids out the door into the snow] i gotta do it for God