The person in that bathroom stall would not survive ‘A Quiet Place’
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My client has retained me to cancel plans with you.
My rap name is When i$ Lunch
husband: *enters house w/ buckets of water*
me: what’s with all the water
him: you know FULL WELL
If you get caught about to eat food off the floor, just pretend you lost your contact.
Life hack: If I ever end my advice with “I promise”, do the opposite. I’m bored and want to see if you’re going to do the stupid shit I suggested.
I was once accused of stealing money from work. I didn’t do it but it was nice to know management also thought I wasn’t getting paid enough.
“I smell like candy,” I mouthed to the hot guy in traffic that caught me smelling my shirt.
My 4yo asked if the tooth fairy pulls your teeth out in your sleep, and I deserve an award for taking the mature not-funny path of telling her “no”.
[blind date]
HER: I am so against vaccines
ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio
This is what every Twitter trending topic looks like to me now
My wife must have some big surprise vacation planned.
She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.
@funTweeters I am at your service….
[first date]
HER: So, do you have a 5 year plan?
ME: Yes. Well, the beginnings of one.
HER: How far have you gotten?
ME: I’ve decided what I want for dinner.
someone brought a box of lemons to work and emailed out saying “there’s lemons” and now every one has a lemon on their desk. why
Why do they say “character actress”? Is that to differentiate them from the all those actresses that only play walls and bits of furniture?
I just watched a YouTuber apology video where the lady played a ukulele and said “the only thing I ever groomed was my two Persian cats.”
Just saw a bumper sticker that said “supprt your local beaver” or maybe it said “support your local brewer” either way it’s sound advice.
I like it thick and deep
Pizza
He told me I cut my steak like a serial killer, so I whispered “What makes you think this is steak?” While I stroked his thigh with a knife.
ME: a new study suggests that being forgetful is a sign of intelligence
WIFE: where did you read that?
ME: [winks to the camera] I don’t remember
when it’s finally the weekend but you promised your wife you’d deal with the orc infestation in the basement
Just the other day, I asked my mom at what age do children start really listening to their parents but I don’t remember what her answer was.
I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician.
And a Czech one too.
[Stares deeply into date’s eyes before going to the bathroom]
“I’ve counted these fries.”
JOB INTERVIEWER: it says here ur a postmodern deconstructivist…?
ME: did ur parents realy name u ‘Job’? especialy with a last name like urs?
Hiking is a great way to get fresh air, exercise, and find spots to hide the person you murdered.
Next time you yawn in front of me i’m gonna chuck a peanut m&m down your throat.
What happens when you eat too many spaghettiOs?
You have a vowel movement.
Boss made me put a nametag over my left bosom. I leaned over and said, “Now, what shall we name the other one?”
I didn’t see a single avenger die when Obama was president