“I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? ’cause I smell carrots…”
~ Snowmen.
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I really want another child, but the idea of starting over with another pregnancy/infant feels like Katniss heading back into the arena.
The moment my kids get over the shock of my wife and me being the tooth fairy, I’m going to reveal that we’re also the dishwasher fairy, the laundry fairy, the playdate fairy, the school project fairy, the…
I charge people $5 if they say “It is what it is.”
Jesus: *holding bread*
This is my body.
*holding wine*
This is my blood.
*holding a meeting* This could have been an email.
Rigged my kids’ Magic 8 Ball to say these choices:
-No
-No way
-Still no
-Yes! JK absolutely not
-Go ask your father
My best friend just sent me a picture she saw on Facebook and I was all like,”is this the new school board?” And she was like, “um, isn’t that your son and the mock trial team?”
Anyway, I’m a REALLY GREAT mom.
My ability to attract girls has increased exponentially since I started my new hobby ‘crying whilst pushing round an empty stroller’
boss: you’ve been late 3 times this week, u know what that means
me: it must be Wednesday
My personal history can best be understood as a series of catastrophes.
ME: I’ll have the chicken dinner.
WAITER: Yes, sir. *throws corn on the floor* Here, chick chick chick.
ME: *pecks at the ground* Excellent.
Me: siphoning thrills, fantasy and romance from the library’s books
Friend: why can’t you just say “I’m reading”
Be Careful Driving
#BostonBlizzard2015
My favorite position in bed is getting off it for pizza
Umm..I don’t want to be “that inmate,” but could you tell the chef that this needs more salt.
me: i trained my dog to talk
her: let’s see
me: describe sandpaper
dog: ruff
me: the outer layer of a tree
dog: bark
her: this sucks
me: that little rapper guy
dog: bow wow
mary: excuse me, waiter? i asked you to stop bringing him juice
waiter: we did, we’ve only given him water
10 year old jesus: *winks at camera*
Finishing up my time machine. Bolting down the flux capacitor now. I’ll start small and go back a couple of seconds just to see if it works.
*wears a clown mask hitchhiking*
Why’s nobody stopping, everyone loves clowns, right?
We have a ghost. Came home and found the fridge magnets rearranged: “I see dreadful people.”
me: im depressed
therapist: try a good walk
me: will that work
therapist: yes *subtly gives a ‘thumbs up’ to my dog*
You ever look at a crazy person in a drive-thru window and scream “credit or debit is fine!” and then realize the window wasn’t open and you’re screaming at yourself?
I know two wrongs don’t make a right, obviously. But how many does it take? I’m like on 756.
Every time I find a new gray hair I text my mother to tell her I’m calling it one of the many grandchildren names she passive aggressively suggested to me over the years.
*pronounces patio like ratio
I think the government looks at Twitter and thinks ‘This is WAY cheaper than Asylums’
Q: If you could be any animal, which one would you be?
A: The drummer from the Muppets, next question.
*contemplates closet full of sweater vests* Okay, so I misjudged what to panic buy.
[radioshack meeting]
employee: sir, overall sales are really low.
CEO: when did we start selling overalls, bro?
Used to work in an office where the boss gave a hard brain teaser to the staff in the morning & if anyone could figure it out by the afternoon he’d pay for their lunch. I won most days. Because as the IT guy I had access to his company cloud account where he stored the answers.
But what is Congress going to do about the fact that I made too much pasta last night 😡