The best part of being an adult is eating whatever you want. I just ate a small man that pissed me off at the liquor store.
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My wife spent two weeks deciding what color to paint the bathroom. I got a cat on my 9th birthday and named it Cat.
[Lying on the grass, staring at the full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
a fun thing about Nova Scotia is that our most popular tourist attraction is a place with 4 million signs reading “you’re probably gonna die if you stand on these rocks” and almost every year someone stands on the rocks and dies anyway
You disagree with me and I bring out the spiked minion bat to put you in your place
my nurse asked if i was born in the US and i said “no, i was born abroad” and then there was a long silence followed by her saying “can you please help me? i can’t find ‘Abroad’ on this list…” and showed me a drop down list of countries…
[field sobriety test]
cop: stand with one foot off the ground and count 1001, 1002, and so on until I say stop
flamingo: oh hell yeah
A man tried to get a refund on a Tom and Jerry boxset because the storylines were “repetitive”
2 goldfish are in a tank. One looks at the other and says “YOU MAN THE GUNS, I’LL DRIVE!”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
(I’m not deleting this)
Women are like campfires.
Beautiful, hot, smell great, warm your heart.
And, both don’t like it if you pee on them.
Mostly.
if you watch Titanic from d back; it’s about dead people resurrecting from the sea, pulling up a ship fixing it and sailing to England
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
My 6yo set a timer so that I could have a rest after eating. When the alarm went off it was time for me to go play with him.
He set the timer for 11 seconds. Plenty of time for a rest.
If you can make a woman laugh, you can make her do anything – Marilyn Monroe
If you believe that try showing her your race car bed – Me.
*intermittently glances at phone while placing order for 6 burritos so the Chipotle lady thinks they’re for multiple people*
If you add enough jalapeños no one will ever know you’re a bad cook.
Taking a break from my mental health to focus on Twitter
running chickens are hilarious in a velociraptor kind of way
ME: I’m much better thinking outside the box
PRISON GUARD: Still no
going ballistic. anyone need anything?
A smart Halloween costume would be an angel costume because if you died, you could just sneak your way into heaven & be like “I’m back yall”
friend: i would kill for a burrito right now
me: *who really really hates his coworker randal* interesting. tell me more
A cute thing I tell my kids when we see a dead deer on the side of the road is, “Looks like Santa lost his temper again.”
*rings bell*
“Can I help you?”
Yes I’d like a dragon on my back an-
*starts pooping on a crucifix*
WTF? *checks sign on door*
“Taboo Artist”
[Skype]
ME: Finally I see your face and wow.
HIM: [naked] Where are you?!
ME: Starbucks. Wanna meet a few friends? They like your tweets.
We’ve got some pretty upscale, sophisticated people coming over tonight, so I’m putting out the classy spittoon.
@Lottie_Poppie I’m at my ideal weight. If I was a baby blue whale
Dogs have it good. No one ever wraps my pills in thin sliced roast beef.
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
💻🤡
A haunted house but it’s just me walking from room to room to see the mass destruction that occurred when I left my kids alone for 5 min to take a shower.