[first day as a preschool teacher]
ME: *sets up road cones around the construction paper*
You Might Also Like
[ cooking class ]
teacher: first, we’re going to sweat the onions
me: *uncomfortably close to cutting board* where were you on the night of june 22nd
[first day as a bank manager]
Customer: I’d like a car loan
Me: I’m not lending you my car
Reached a point in my life that I have no ‘bones to pick’ nor ‘axes to grind’. Most would call it forgiveness, I call it memory loss and it’s peaceful.
Adulthood is when sleeping in is an acceptable birthday present.
When I see guys with skinny jeans and skin tight T’s on I pretend they are actual giants who woke up tiny and just had nothing else to wear.
My friend and I have a pact that if we’re not married by age 40, we’re going to fist bump and take shots for making good decisions
Me: I love fresh bed linen
Doctor: OK, but maybe stop eating it?
I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life, if I die next Thursday
Whenever I’m about to give a speech in front of an audience, I imagine myself naked.
Wait, what
“What’s up?” asked the guy with literally no sense of direction.
Sympathy for my 5 year old who has just announced he is allergic to all vegetables except chicken nuggets
Always be yourself. Unless you can be Batman.. Then be Batman.
Standing at life’s crossroads: embarking on a master’s degree in business economics or getting a neck tattoo. Both equally boost employability in today’s market.
I don’t scram as often as I used to now it’s usually only if I’m in danger, or if the security guards at the fancy party realize my tuxedo is actually just a t-shirt
What if aliens watch our movies about aliens and then invade accordingly in hopes of fitting in with our culture?
Dear guy lighting bottle rocket fuses with a cigarette that’s still in your mouth,
You’re going as a pirate for Halloween.
surgeon: we’re only allowing family right now
olive garden waitstaff: yeah that’s why we’re here
Selfies are just sad reminders that you have no friends willing to take pictures of your face and cleavage.
I told my kids we get visited by the Easter Chicken because bunnies don’t lay eggs.
“Now you sound ridiculous,” said 8.
4: *hops in my lap* Mama, look at my picture!
Me: Love it
4: See green
M: Yep
4: And blue
M: Mmhm
4: And red
M: *flushes toilet* ok, hop up.
HULK WANT LOAN
Bank: We can’t loan to people like you.
GREEN PEOPLE??
*flips table into moon*Bank: People owing 2.6B in property damage.
Tonight at my restaurant job a middle-aged white woman looked me right in the eyes, held up the debit machine to me and said, “Can you show me how to not leave a tip?” SO START CROWDFUNDING MY BAIL MONEY Y’ALL IT’S GO TIME THIS IS WHAT WE’VE TRAINED FOR
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Millennial: I put a film of me opening a shoe box on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
CIVIL WAR SPOILER: A lot of people in the South still don’t know they lost.
You can always count on me to bring my famous recipe of “bag of ice” to your summer cookout.
yesterday my wife sent me to the garage to see if i could find some wd40 & two hours later i managed to disable our sprinkler system & start a small brush fire inside the washing machine
Old joke:
Guy checks in at the airport and says: “I want this bag to go to Cleveland, this bag to go to Miami, and this bag to go to Las Vegas.”
Employee: “We can’t do that sir.”
Customer: “You did it last year.”
Did you know that actors in black & white movies often put their lives in danger during driving scenes, as they weren’t able to tell if the traffic light was green or red.
Me, dressed Covid casual at work.
Boss: “Are you wearing a pillow case?”
Pet Store Manager: What qualifies you to work here?
Applicant: I’m kind of sweet yet sad & a bit creepy for some reason
PSM: You’re hired!