Her: I said I’d like to see you BETTER yourself.
Me: Oh. *slowly puts down butter knife*
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It’s great that interstates have rest areas. But things like Wednesdays really need rest areas too.
I have never bought a snack faster on name alone in my life.
Hospice was my favorite spice girl,
into all kinds of freaky things and took good care of my grandma
What do you want to be when you grow up?
other kids: firefighter, doctor, scientist…
my 9yo: I’m gonna sell my Pokémon cards on the streets of New York.
Getting your shit together just sounds unsanitary
me: do you have anything for dry skin?
pharmacist: aloe.
me: um hi. do you have anything for dry skin.
Dentist: “When was the last time you flossed?”
Me: “BRO, you were there.”
Her: You wanna Netflix and chill?
Me: I don’t have Netflix
Her: It means sex
Me: Oh right no I don’t have that either
You’d think I’d lose weight just from carrying around this extra 40 pounds wherever I go.
them: big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:
Actual air attendant:
“Secure your mask before helping your kids.if you have multiple, pick the one with the highest earning potential 1st”
What do those “brighten my day with the 7th picture on your phone” people want from us
[plane]
“Is there a doctor on board?”
Im a doctor
“Okay quick the passenger is having a heart att-
Of fine arts
“What?”
Doctor of Fine Arts
-Me: [Turns off the light, finally gets to sleep]
– Brain: Wait. Who the hell closes the bus door when the driver’s out?
Married conversation is like regular conversation except you’re both brushing your teeth.
I gave one kid a laser pointer and told the other to catch the dot.
Follow me for more pro-parenting tips.
SON: Dad, were there any doctor shows like Grey’s Anatomy when you were a kid?
ME: Yeah.
SON: What was it called?
ME: Grey’s Anatomy.
Are you watching too much T.V but not doing enough reading? Turn your subtitles on. Boom, problem solved!
Wife [interrogating]: How long have we been married dear?
Me: How dare you try and sneak maths into this.
If we’re together and you lose track of me, just follow the line of croissant crumbs right on back.
And you may be thinking, “But Katie, you weren’t even eating a croissant when I lost you…”
Trust me.
First day as a vampire hunter: This is easy lol
First night as a vampire hunter: oh no
This salad I’m having for lunch tastes a lot like I’m having a greasy burger and onion rings for dinner.
Ohio sounds like someone greeting a friend they didn’t expect to see then immediately realising it’s actually someone else
Oops I deleted….
My son is smart enough to hatch an elaborate plot to get out of going to daycare, but dumb enough to share his scheme with me in exhaustive detail. God bless toddlers.
Again this year, I’m giving up Hershey’s chocolates for Lindt…
My kids wanted to bake something and now we have to move
– a parenting memoir
i asked my 4 yr old niece if she wanted a baby brother or sister and she replied she just wanted pizza rolls
My coffee tastes like murder is off the table, for now.
If I had the power to time travel, I’d use it to go back ten minutes when I screwed up a handshake and accidentally interlocked pinkies