Must be a very worrying time for anyone who has dumped a body in a reservoir.
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*captain over the PA*:
and if you look out your window to the left, you’ll see Jerry, who is no longer my best friend, and deserves this.
If i was being attacked by a werewolf i would just turn on the vacuum to scare him off
Me: When I was lying in bed, I found this huge lump. I need it removed.
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s your husband.
Me: And your point is…?
Surgeon: I can’t find the clot
Wife: *from gallery* oh BIG surprise
cats when you pet them too long:
Christ! How many beers did I have last night?!
A guy in the store on his cell said “Susan, I’m in my car on my way” so I yelled “NO HE’S NOT!” Because nobody lies to Susan in front of me.
[first day of creation]
GOD: *stuck in traffic* oh no I’m not gonna make the light
A shake for breakfast. A shake for lunch. A sensible dinner. SEVENTY FIVE COOKIES AT 12:34AM
Being an adult is bullshit. Babies get praised for being able to hold their heads up on their own like bravo your neck works, stupid baby
If I hear someone crying I immediately cry louder to establish myself as the dominant sad person in the room
I often wonder who Pete is…
and why we do things for his sake…
Every time I see a person handing out flyers it blows my mind that some people actually get paid to distribute garbage to strangers.
I’d probably start exercising if it didn’t require moving around so much.
Grapefruit juice tastes like orange juice that just found out it has to work on it’s day off.
I always take a different store’s tote bags when I go grocery shopping so they don’t get the idea we’re exclusive or anything.
“Don’t play with your food,” I say to a toddler eating crackers shaped like farm animals.
I’m giving dirty looks to this dad at the cafe whose kid is being obnoxious but he’s not doing anything about it so I guess I’m going to have to deal with it because he’s my kid too or whatever.
Please, call me Seahorse. Mr. Seahorse was my mother.
just can’t imagine being this mad at a pond
ME: so I’m taking him down the hall and he’s like “have a nice day” and I’m like “you too”
OTHER DEATH ROW GUARD: omg that’s so embarrassing
Going to church doesn’t necessarily make you a nice person… It does, however, make you sleepy.
Me: Omg all the kids are asleep! I can finally sit and relax!
Dog: Yeah. About that. *pukes all over living room*
“Robots will never rule the earth” I say as I stand up at the beckoning of my watch
I wish Adele would hurry up and put out another album so I could end this relationship.
All of the good tweets are either married or gay.
My safe word is now just a dry cough.
When Corner House says something righteous and you just think
If I were a cop, I’d focus on the people going the speed limit. They’re the ones with something to hide.
Optional boss fight.