(filming reality TV show)
him: we’re out here looking for Bigfoot
me: so a guy with just one foot?
him: no, an ape-type creature
me: gotcha. a big hairy guy. with one foot
him: he has 2 feet
me: why isn’t he called BigFeet then?
him: get out
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There’s a reason when we have to smile for a photo we say “cheese,” and not “salad.”
son: what’s that one?
me: the orion constellation
son: and that one?
me: that’s the big dipper
son: and what’s that?
me: that’s my 3 star review, immortalized in the sky to forever remind god of his mistakes
teacher: your son said you threatened to beat him?
me: at checkers!
teacher: and forced him to sleep outside?
me: we went camping!
teacher: and made up his peanut allergy so he couldn’t share your snickers?
me: yeah, that one I did
I couldn’t figure out how I cut my arm but then I realized I brushed arms with the guy with the barbwire tattoo.
me: [throwing pebbles in the sea]
fred flintstone: NOOOOOOOO
It’s a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a pod of whales and a thrift store of hipsters.
tinting my car’s windows so people outside can’t see me eating soup
When we’re leaving a hotel room we check drawers we didn’t even use at least five times.
TWITTER: Do you want to see this?
ME: No, never
TWITTER: Ok
ME: Good
TWITTER: You will see this less often
My wife and I couldn’t agree about whether or not I’m her hero. She’s in the bathroom right now and I’ve hid the toilet paper. We’re about to resolve this.
So what was my mom trying to say when she bought me a book on how to make friends?
I’ve reached the point in my life where I’m ready for a life partner. But I’d probably be just as content with a cheeseburger.
Why did they call it a parish and not a priestcinct?
I retweeted my boss to let her know that I know she’s tweeting during the meeting.
Feng shui consultant: The refrigerator shouldn’t be next to the couch.
Me: You’re fired.
[the purge alarm blares in the distance]
ME: *adds a 13th item in the express line at the grocery store*
Mind: I still feel like a 20 year old…
Body: LOL.
[White House]
Any ideas on how to defeat ISIS?
*Biden excitedly raises hand*
Besides assembling the Avengers.
*Biden dejectedly lowers hand*
Whenever I skip a day on the treadmill, I add the 25 minutes to the next day. Tomorrow, I will be running until 2026.
Imagine kissing a frog and it turns into a Prince. Like, great, now I gotta go find another sexy frog
Americans who pronounce Z like Ted are given Canadian citizenship, free Timbits for life, and one pet baby moose.
FUN FACT:
Scientists have proven, there IS in fact life outside the United States.
No one said life would be easy, but a heads-up on the number of idiots out there would’ve been nice.
Sometimes I try to reason with people, but invariably they start talking again.
*Paul Ryan watches a children’s hospital explode*
Hhhhmmm, an affordable source of heat and light
[chess tournament]
RIVAL: [plays move]
ME: [knocks board aside. punches rival in face] Chess!
COMMENTATOR: He’s won every round this way
Fog is like lingerie for the sky.
Last party I went to before COVID met a guy who worked in finance who told me he was an “experiences manager” and got defensive when I asked him what experiences he manages.
me: siri, clear my evening appointments, i’ve got a date tonight.
siri: “lol yeah ok. beep boop beep. gotcha.”