I just got an email offering “free bible verses”. You know, because who can afford bible verses?
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Me trying to walk in a dream
A woman on the subway asked if anyone wanted to turn their life over to Jesus Christ today. She seems nice but if you don’t believe in God, I don’t think the New York City public transportation experience is going to convince you.
My wife complains that she has a big ass, I just wish she would stop pointing at me when she says it.
Any new zombie movies that want to be believable need to include random people who walk directly up to zombies & get bitten on purpose because they think getting bitten will help them build immunity against being bitten. They also need to mock people trying to avoid being bitten.
GROUND CONTROL: Oh goddamit, it looks like Major Tom is going to sing through this whole mission. Pull the circuit.
MAJOR TOM: 🎶 the circuit’s dead, there’s something wrong
[funeral]
I’ll never forget dad’s last words: It’s way past Halloween! What moron left the hilarious CAUTION tape on this elevator?
Before Facebook existed cavemen bragged about their kids by drawing on the rocks
I read that 83% of prison inmates are Christians…should I be concerned with my safety when I’m up in Heaven?
Partner: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Oh why?
Partner: It’s the only speaking in single letters thing, it’s weird
Me: Oh. I see. OK
Dear Amazon, I bought a toilet seat because I needed one. Necessity, not desire. I do not collect them. I am not a toilet seat addict. No matter how temptingly you email me, I’m not going to think, oh go on then, just one more toilet seat, I’ll treat myself.
Sometimes you look at an ex and think maybe they’re not so bad. And then they start to talk and remind you why you hate them.
[guy named mark who successfully used his cloning machine] this is remarkable
I tucked my kids in last night and said, “See you in the morning!” and then we laughed and laughed. Saw them 16 more times before sunrise.
Why is it no matter how bad you rack yourself physically ppl invariably ask “Are you ok?”
Sure I am. Why I was just thinking this morning my hair would look so much better if it had matted blood in it.
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he just roared his engine louder!”
-nobody
Her: *leaving seductively, slowly dragging fingertip across countertop*
Mgr: What’d she want?
Me: nothing.
Mgr: Where’re all the donuts?
The year 2932, lines for the new iPhone are so long, many die before reaching the end. Those who do, get back in line for the next phone.
My daughter wrote a story at school about a sad cat that drinks cocktails so I should probably call her teacher
I’m sorry I laughed when you said my cannibal joke was in poor taste.
Hot girls tweet things like “his words. my curves. pain. my soul. barbecue sauce” and get 27k likes WTF is this app
I bring my Roomba to parties, so I’m not the most awkward thing moving throughout the room.
My trainer told me to get on all fours and I got excited until she said now do tricep extensions.
My boyfriend said that I’m more than enough woman for him, and now I’m mad because I think he called me fat.
I’m no sadist. Some of my best friends are sad.
God: What’s that?
Noah: The aquarium
God: For what?
Noah: The fish
God: Fish can survive floods
Noah: *kicks llama* YOU SAID EVERY ANIMAL
I tuxedo what I tuxewant.
[end of interview]
Any questions for me?
Yes. Why didn’t the glass slipper also disappear at midnight?
YOU ARE SO HIRED.
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.