So creative 😂
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If Christian Bale’s voice as Batman were any more throaty, that dude would be talking Arabic.
spin the bottle, except you have to murder the person it lands on
her: this is a baby shower
Hell hath no fury like a woman.
Oh? That’s not the entire expression?
Him: I’m leaving you.
Me: [can’t hear him because I’m trying to breakdance in my bubble wrap suit]
“The world is finally getting back to normal”
Omicron:
“Grapey.”
-me after every wine at the wine-tasting
I listen to true-crime podcasts right before bed so that my nightmares will be more interesting.
The spaghetti scene in Lady and the Tramp is adorable, but it would never work with humans. Nobody wants to see two dogs sharing a plate of humans.
Pelican trying to eat a capybara.. 😅
[House hunters]
Pigs: we’d really love a brick house
Wolf realtor: how do we feel about wood tho?
My daughter just started singing “I ate some brains down in Africa,” and now I kinda like her version better
You can have kids or you can always know where your scissors are.
You can’t have both.
*buys a sectional couch made of cauliflower*
Relationship Status: Just asked the bag of Doritos laying in bed next to me if they had enough room
Sometimes my sarcasm doesn’t deliver well and people miss the message. Anyway that’s why I’m stabbing you.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
I went for a hill walk in the rain yesterday. Anyway long story short, I can still do the splits
I’m not saying I want a divorce, it’s just that sometimes 50% custody sounds pretty appealing.
All dogs go to heaven, but I never see them in church
9: (watching YouTuber play old school Mario)
Me: That’s the game I used to play when I was a kid.
9: You were alive back then?
[showering] *comes up with cure to every disease known to man
[toweling off] Ah towels are fluffy. Duhhh, what was that other thing again?
When my son handed me my wallet I realized something important.
He’s a pickpocket.
boss: you’ve been late 3 times this week, u know what that means
me: it must be Wednesday
What do you want to be when you grow up?
other kids: firefighter, doctor, scientist…
my 9yo: I’m gonna sell my Pokémon cards on the streets of New York.
I forgot the term “kidney stones” so I called them pee pebbles.
if you drive a shitbox you know the code.. don’t talk smack about the shitbox or the shitbox will remind you quick who’s in charge of the situation
Ratatouille is my favorite movie based on a true story.
If I insult you, I’m either flirting or genuinely don’t like you. Good luck with that.
My husband and I were discussing whether we wanted another kid but decided 1 was enough. We just need to figure out what to do with the other one now
If you tell Dad jokes and you’re not actually a Dad, you are a faux pa.