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Welcome to parenthood. Your new hobbies are setting fake timers, trying not to scream, and the occasional shower.
If I’m grilling and I can see you grilling, we will engage in a ceremonial tong click and bow.
Tragically, I misread her profile. Apparently her favorite position is “reserved cowgirl.”
daredevil: [standing in the rain with his girlfriend] i may be blind, but my echolocation allows me to picture you perfectly
her: oh so like you’ll use the sound of the raindrops to-
daredevil: [just starts screaming into her face]
Roses are red, violets are blue, vodka costs less than a dinner for two.
I only watch the groundhog festivities in hopes that Punxsutawney Phil will maul someone.
15 wants his new GF over for dinner Sunday. I’m going to make spaghetti & watch them try to eat it gracefully. Free entertainment!
Gluten-free!
Pumpkin pie!
Whole Foods has made me a happy guy.Vegan too?
Yes it’s true.
One less thing on the list of have-to-do!
ME: [introducing my brother’s daughter whose name I’ve forgotten]
This is niece.
Dear water parks, what stops you from building an escalator to the swim slide?
My kid didn’t like how his stuffed animal was behaving, so he renamed him Not-Listening-Ostrich, and I’m just over here wondering how to update some birth certificates
I ate a chocolate bar in bed last night & my wife said, “you have a problem” so I replied, “no, you have a problem; I have a chocolate bar.”
I CANT HOLD THEM BACK MUCH LONGER
4-year-old trying pop rocks:
I think there’s some people having a birthday in my mouth
Optimus Prime: “I transform from a robot into a truck. You?”
Amazon Prime: “I transform money into regrettable internet purchases at 2 AM.”
OKAY DAD
The full recap of tonight’s events can be heard on my wife’s podcast, “What kind of idiot doesn’t cover the chili before microwaving it?”
*jesus rubs his temples before giving a sermon*
anyone else feel like choking that seagull over there?
white people love ordering something that’s meant to be eaten with rice without rice and then waking up the next day not being able to open their eyes because of sodium bloat and being like why is korean food so salty like you ate enough kimchi jjigae for a family of 5 martha
Please don’t tell me about your childhood problems, this was my moms cars air conditioning growing up
dove: don’t poop on a nun…don’t poop on a nun…*poops* dammit
Whenever I’m feeling stressed I like to take a deep breath & think about every mistake I have ever made.
my biggest wish is that someday a bunch of people will say wow money really changed her
Pro-Tip: Always remember where you buried the bodies.
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
Sorry I’m late my grocery store rearranged all their aisles 2 years ago
[blind date]
Me: So you can’t see me?
Him: Nope. Not at all.
Me: (stops sucking in gut) This is the best date ever!
[Job interview]
Me: [thinking] I hope he doesn’t notice the mustard on my shirtInterviewer: [thinking] Is he eating a fkn hotdog?
WORK TIP: Respond to all your boss’s emails with “Heyyyy you!”