Seat cushions are the original stool softeners
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Government Shutdown: Day 13
Anthony Weiner decides to help.
He takes a photo.
He tweets.
Congress now sees where balls are located.
Shoutout to the toothpaste stain on my shirt for making it appear that I had a WAY better time this morning than I actually did.
People are so fake how can you love your newborn baby when you met it like 2 minutes ago and don’t know anything about it
Cool. Work is offering a webinar called Why Sleep Matters, and it takes place Friday at 5am.
*in bed*
me: finally sweet sweet sleep
brain: i wonder what it would feel like to lay an egg
A couple friends who met at my bbq 10 years ago just got engaged.
I remember her asking me if he was some kind of criminal.
Was today a good day? No.
BUT
Did I manage to make it through the whole day without running over my own purse with my car?
Also no.
Maybe a ninja is fighting a chameleon right in front of you.
Ever think of that??
HIM: *touching a scar on her hand* What’s this one?
HER: *giggling* I burnt myself getting pizza rolls out of the oven
HIM: *touching a scar on her arm* And this one?
HER: pizza rolls
HIM: What about—
HER: I dunno what to tell you, bud. They’re all gonna be pizza rolls.
‘Two can play that game…’
-people who dont understand that’s how games usually work
This forever.
Ran into my ex on the street. He’s got a hot wife & 2 kids. I have a taco in my hand. And one in my purse. And an emergency taco in my coat.
Husband; Who was at the door?
Me: The neighbors. They invited us over for drinks later. They said to come by at 6:37.
Husband: Do you think they meant 6:30? 7?
Me:
Husband:
Me: Yeah, that does make more sense.
Hell hath no fury like that of a woman waiting for you to reply to her text all the while she sees you’re continuing to send tweets.
I lost my voice.
If whoever finds it could resume screaming at my ex-husband, that would be much appreciated.
I know how to use an abacus as a tambourine.
Therapist: You pretentiously slip French words into conversations because of your deep-seated insecurity.
Me: Touché.
A woman just pulled out her checkbook to pay for groceries and even the cultured butter dropped an f-bomb.
Make sure you don’t forget the ‘R’ when you’re Googling, “movies of Gary Oldman.”
I can’t believe “still uses Winamp” is a pre-existing condition now. This feels personal.
[Clown College]
Teacher: Ok so balloon animals are pretty simple, you ju-
Pennywise: *raising hand*
Teacher: Any questions that are NOT about eating children?
Pennywise: *sadly putting hand down*
signs you’re dating an angel:
– skin made of smooth marble
– thousands of eyes that emit lasers
– wings violently displace tons of air
– 13,000 trumpets constantly
– peaceful sense of impending doom
– giant chalice overflowing with acid
– texts you good morning
WIFE: You said you were going to put the dog down
ME: *in tears* I TRIED BUT HE HAD SOME REALLY DEVASTATING COMEBACKS
I play hard to get by barricading the door and holding hostages.
Hubs and I didn’t touch our phones at all during dinner.
Mainly bc eating crab legs takes two hands, but still, it felt romantic-ish.
I be hella fake at work using words I never use in my real life like “awesome”
A world without racism exists in traffic. The anger, cursing and honking is truly based on the ability to drive, not the content of the car.
Bath bomb does not mean cannonball in to the tub. Now she is pissed and I need a new hip.