Girl: I only date guys who can ice skate and make puns.
Me: *sighs and reluctantly starts putting on skates* “Figures.”
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*buys dog mask*
*shits on neighbors’ lawn*
One spelling mistake and my wife is all upset. All I wrote was: Having a great time, wish you were her.
This meeting could have been a cake
Digging through a box in the closet, I found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was almost a year ago.
Sugar-free anything tastes like it’s based on a true story.
“Put that down, Alan! I told you those are for company.”
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
[first day as a hacker] *puts ax down* i got inside their computer alright
“Why?” – Socrates and four year-olds
if my friends ever feel sad and they need to talk to somebody… they always know im right there… only 2-3 missed calls away
Gay marriage is about to become legal in England. Hey, America, how does it feel when your parents are cooler than you?
In the old days if you wanted to hit snooze you had to shoot the rooster with a tranq dart that lasted exactly 9 minutes
“Your present is too big and weirdly shaped to wrap. Oh! What if I buried it in the yard?!” -me, genuinely, earlier today. Wife said no.
How many times is too many times to say ” oh boy ” during sex?
[on date]
ME: I like my women like I like my wine
WAITER: [arrives] Anything to drink?
ME: [clears throat] One glass of very hot wine please
There’s no I in team but there is an I in marriage. There’s also ME, AA and RAGE.
Me: Dark Lord, I am your devoted servant. Please accept this sacrifice as proof of my —
Satan: I have a girlfriend.
ME: Thanks for seeing me. Whenever I asked my father for help with these issues he’d just ask me if I tried sucking less.
THERAPIST: That’s horrible.
ME: Yeah.
THERAPIST:
ME:
THERAPIST: Have— *clears throat* have you tried that though?
Why is there never a child around when you need help opening a bottle of Tablets with a child proof lock?
“I farms the taters…”
“…and I mashes the taters.”
There was a spider in the shower this morning, and now my neighbours know I scream like a cat about to crest a roller coaster’s first drop.
My neighbor was yelling at her kids so I joined in by repeating everything she said.
seems like H&M is expecting a rush on Victorian funerals
If I had two brownies, I’d give you one
little corner off of one
I feel bad for tailgating this minivan so closely but once I started watching Kung Fu Panda on his back seat TV I had to see it through.
Now that people have become accustomed to not knowing whether a person is having a phone conversation or just talking to themselves as they walk down the street I find myself doing a lot more public ranting.
I tried to find the quickest checkout by jumping grocery lanes and now I think I’m stuck in the line to pay respects to Queen Elizabeth.
6 (7:30am): Why is it so dark, isn’t it morning?
Me: Yeah buddy (explanation of the first day of winter, shortest day of the year, winter solstice)
(Later, 4:30pm)
6: Why is it so dark, is it bedtime?
Me: No, remember it’s…ummmm, yeah it’s bedtime. Are you tired!?
This may be racist but whenever I have a test in class I try to get a seat next to a dolphin because they are usually really smart.
That awkward laugh when they’ve said something innocuous, but you’re thinking something incredibly dirty.