66% of Canadians were unimpressed with “The Revenant”, or as it’s known in Canada, “Pretty Average Day”
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[toddlers, ordering in a restaurant] “garçon! your freshest fish crackers, for the lady, and for me – the sauce of one apple.”
I like to make sure my breath is always fresh.
*eats entire sleeve of Thin Mints*
Everybody is tweeting “OMG I CANT BELIEVE ITS MARCH”, I’m like tf’ you you think came after February ? February Jr.?
It’s not like I live in a broken down car on the side of a road. I’m not that rich.
Hangovers only happen to people who stop drinking.
hate when the barista asks “do you want whipped cream?” it feels there are only two answers: “yes please, i’m fat.” or “no thanks, i’m fat.”
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides drink.
Yoou can lead a horse to water but you need a seahorse to continue your journey
I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.
Amish murderers get the acoustic chair.
Friend: What’s your costume for Halloween?
Me: The Invisible Man
Friend: Bandages and sunglasses?
Me: More realistic.
Friend: You’re not coming to the party are you?
Me: God no.
In my defense Facebook didn’t alert me it’s my wife’s birthday.
My daughter has a middle school government test today. So I figured the best way to help her study was to weave the material into our convo when she complained this am
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
My kids, writing negative political ads:
Mommy. She says Maybe but it is always going to be No.
Mommy. She says to eat fruit but she smells of chocolate.
Mommy. She says we don’t say those words but then she watches the news and she says all of them.
I teleported myself today. I pushed a switch button that says “Don’t touch” and the next thing I know I’m lying on this hospital bed.
Kid: Your my best friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* It’s you’re.
I love being a mom. I just left the vacuum running in front of my teenagers door until he woke up. Should have done what I asked, lil shit!
[cloudy weather]
simba: lot of dead dads out today
I need everyone to calm down I broke into this house to pet your dog not steal him
[Getting back into van after museum heist]
Me: Hey guys did you know that Neanderthals buried their dead?
[In bed with gf]
“Do you have any fantasies?”
Yeah, one. You know your friend Sarah, the hot one?
“Yes.. why?”
I want to hit her with my car
Me: I just killed a HUGE spider!
Him: It was actually a piece of yarn.
Me: A HUGE, scary piece of yarn!
Life is different in Christian frats:
“You should’ve seen this hot chick I didn’t bang.”
“Way to save it for marriage, bro.”
*fist bump*
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: WHY ISN’T HE BURNING
You scream “SWEEP THE LEG!” one time and all of a sudden you’re “invited” to watch your kid’s wrestling match from the parking lot.
Allow me to slip into something more out the window.
if i got pregnant i would simply hold it in
Don’t bother giving kids a hard time for saying lol while they’re speaking if you came from an era when hardy-har-har was a thing.
My girlfriend is so crazy she even traced down the girl who once kissed me in kindergarten.