Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– he couldn’t wear waffles to daycare
– I beat him in a race
– he beat me in a race
– pancakes had uneven distribution of chocolate chips
– he wanted his boogers backHow about your kid?
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I have almost 120,000 miles on my office chair.
I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to hold their baby.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME: did the dog put you up to this
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
My auto reply to texts:
I would love to, but I have to [verb] a [noun] .
*snorting spilled coffee grounds off the dirty floor* I DONT HAVE A PROBLEM
*Death comes for me but is once again fooled by my false moustache*
Was shocked last week when my son said he’s getting married to a girl in his class.
Yesterday he won a running race agaisnt her and the wedding is probably off now
Being 6 is rough man!
looks legit
$10 says some idiot is gonna hear the word Ebola and think “that’d be a great name for my new baby!”
WARNING: Local youths in the park are claiming to be tax inspectors & are issuing fines for €70 in “gullibility tax”. DO NOT PAY. Turns out there’s no such tax. When you go back to confront them, they say they can’t do refunds without a tax receipt. THEY NEVER GAVE ME A RECEIPT
I update my Facebook picture to a jail mugshot over the holidays so my family will go visit someone else.
Sorting Hat: WAFFLE HOUSE!!
Me: oh, very funny…
I can tell how much my company cares by their willingness to schedule a meeting, outside of work hours, to discuss how better to manage work/life balance
If alcohol damages your short memory. Just imagine what alcohol can do.
My husband and I finished another Netflix show together so now we don’t have anything in common again.
I treat going to a therapist like going to a mechanic. “So, It’s been making some odd sounds and I’m sure it’s on the verge of a breakdown.”
Dear parents who line up 45 minutes early in the school pick-up line,
I don’t understand.
Just so u know guys I literally covered my roommates bed in 324 pieces of cornbread 2 make it a “cornbed” so ur fakes puns mean nothing 2 me
NO, YOU GET THE HELL OFF YOUR PROPERTY.
English husband: How’s it going in America
Me: People are shooting at the weather
Want to know the secret to looking young? Pick up a bottle of sunblock, and put it on 20 years ago.
Let’s go to church and wink at each other whenever one of our sins gets mentioned.
“You want a BOOTH?!”
“I think I’m entitled to the BOOTH!”
“YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE BOOTH!!!”
~angry exchange at the Applebee’s hostess stand
boss: can i see u in my office
me: [putting on camo jacket] i guess we’ll find out
Tonight I found out that my husband applies body lotion to his legs “cricket style” which involves applying lotion directly to his legs and then just… rubbing them together. Like a cricket
doctor: what’s wrong?
me: nobody can tell the time anymore
doctor: *on the intercom* janice, we’ve got another one, cancel my 38 o’clock
[an octopus seeing a snake for the first time]
OMG a foot!