my brain: eat
me: okay, what should we make
my brain: no make, only eat
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🙂🐾
We had a ninja competition tonight but we don’t know if anyone showed up.
KY jelly is the worst tasting jelly.
You can’t fix everything, you’re not a giant asteroid.
My favorite thing about single people is how they champion being single till they like someone then they transform into a hypocritcalpotamus
the “don’t confuse your google search with my medical degree” thing is especially funny to me bc i’ve seen my doctors google my symptoms in appointments
How many times in your marriage have you ever answered a question with a question?
Wives – 3
Men – What?
My favorite thing about decorative towels is how you’re not allowed to use them.
Because nothing says CLASS like useless towels.
ME: i love you
HER: i love you too
ME: …ok wow i put my heart on the line and you’re telling me your favorite band
‘….annnnnnd now you have TWO hours before you have to get up.’
~The monster under my bed
When someone cries, “No one gets me”
I immediately snatch them and put them in my trunk and yell, “I got you”!
A relationship should be 50/50.
50% man
50% bear
50% pig
Waiter: what can I get you?
Me: I’ll have what she’s having
Her: two divorces then please
DOCTOR: Have you been exercising for 30 minutes a day?
ME: Yes. I do The Robot to annoy my kids.
DOCTOR: That’s not…
ME: TECHNOBOT CAN’T HEAR YOU OVER HIS SICK MOVES, DOC!
[working late]
ME: I’m starting to fall asleep.
CO-WORKER: When that happens to me, I slap my cheek really hard. You should try it.
ME: *smacks him in the face* You’re right, I feel better.
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me if I can sit for long periods of time, I want to say “Like a champion.”
It’s so cold today, I just grabbed the first 2 kids that got off the bus.
They look like nice kids, the redhead seems a little feisty.
The kitchen trash will be overflowing and my kids will keep stacking garbage on top like they’re playing Jenga.
Life isn’t about the moments that take our breath away. That’s asthma. You’re thinking of asthma.
Interviewer: So, what makes you think you’re a good candidate for this Automotive Shop?
Me: I tire easily.
Thanks McDonald’s for adding two order lanes that require everyone to cooperate and merge so I can be driven to a blinding rage and lose faith in humanity all before I get my fries
[first date questions]
You like meat? I make killer beef jerky with leftover hobo carcasses…and she’s gone
Whatever she’s probably vegan
My sex life has improved so much I’m thinking of asking someone else to join me…
#FoundAtGrandmasHouse
Grandpa’s welcome sign
Oh sweet, I was wondering how every corporation I’ve ever given my email to was handling COVID-19.
I once dated a woman named Kim who hated to be called Kimberly. Then I dated a woman named Chelsea who really hated to be called Kimberly
“I just got engaged!”
— Starship Enterprise
It’s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.
I’m not doubting that you’re 1/8th Pond People, but this is a research paper. You can’t cite “BOG WISDOM”
me: I had my first crush on a girl when I was in the first grade.
my 7yo: wow that was a long time ago do you think she’s still alive?