Homeschooling, Day whatever: This school really needs a new janitor.
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“If you build a lasagna, I will come.”
– Garfield of Dreams
This is bullshit!
I asked for a “Happy Ending” at an Asian massage parlor, & now she’s dressed like Snow White, expecting me to marry her.
we should absolutely get off work for Leap Day. you’re making me clock in on february 29th? a totally made up day? time is an illusion and so is capitalism. i’m going to the park
I just met a woman who told me she had “trouble keeping weight on” in times of stress. I ate her.
when I’m having a bad day as a parent, I just remind myself that plenty of animals won’t hesitate to eat their kids, so really I’m in gold star territory
I finally got around to washing my hair and then of course, I ended up putting way too much hair product on and it looks just as greasy as before. I’m like, really, Charlotte, you had ONE job, girl!
(walks into coworker’s office who has an Echo)
Alexa, what is Pi to a thousand digits?
(walks out)
Toy stores should spread the toys out on the floor so you can see them in their natural state and practice stepping on them.
I just had the thought “pfft. Your father can’t die before you are born,” and I believed it for a full minute. Because I’m smert.
Wife: *working a crossword* Seven letter word for female.
Me: Ironman
Wife: Get out!
25% of parenting is resisting the urge to scream, “Get to the point!”
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”
If someone has a second baby, tell them it is better than the last one.
Podcasts are like babies, they’re too easy to create and not everyone should have one
I cleaned the house but I have kids, so that was stupid
I love carbs so much, I’d let them look through my phone.
Asked my 5yo how he wanted me to peel his banana, and he said any way, and this is a trap isn’t it
Imagine how excruciating a conversation between Hodor, Groot, and Timmy from South Park would be.
Doctors just told me I have “stripper lung” from inhaling too much brass polish & if I go back to “JIGGLERS” again I’ll die.
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
Hot girl in the avatar, but no selfies in your pics.
I’m just gonna call you “bro” from now on.
A Facebook group named “Humans Against Herd Behavior” was created yesterday. So far, 10,000 people have joined the group.
I replaced the glass in my bathroom windows so the tree outside can see exactly what I do with toilet paper.
You know what paper is? I yell
Me: Whatcha doin’?
5: Whatcha doin’?
Me: Are you copying me?
5: Are you copying me?
Me: I’m adopted
5: I’m adop- WHAT?
ME: What are you watching?
WIFE: The Wheel Of Time.
ME: It’s called a clock, Sharon.
HER: Get out.
7: You sent me in without crazy socks today.
Me: I sent you in with the backwards shirt.
7: But it was Wacky Hair Day!
Me: CAN’T YOU KIDS JUST GO TO SCHOOL
Going out with a girl who works in cyber security next week so I’m gonna print out all my passwords and ask what she thinks
I cleaned out all my closets and now it looks like a flea market threw up in my dining room.
I tried to pause the baby monitor when my baby woke up early from a nap instead of the Netflix show I was watching. It didn’t work.
I just saw a guy with leather pants get out of an IROC-Z. I wanted to say “Welcome to the future, traveler. You’re going to love it here!”