On a recent tour of my son’s college, the guide walked us up 5 flights of steep stairs because she didn’t think the 4 of us should share an elevator. I’m pretty sure the extreme shortness of breath my husband and I had, at the top, confirmed her concern for protecting our heath.
You Might Also Like
3: I DON’T NEED YOU!!
Me: *already booking 1 ticket to the Bahamas*
I’m not saying I’m a conspiracy theorist, but I swear some of these typos have been planted.
Mike Tyson’s apartment building
DiCaprio movie endings;
Shutter Island: is he dead?
Titanic: is the boat dead?
Romeo & Juliet: is everyone dead?
Inception: am I dead?
Use helium in your air guitar to hit those extra high notes.
I have decided to switch to a spite-based diet
I knew my 5yo was growing up too fast when he tried to take his shoes off and said “I don’t like bending down anymore”
Fact: it is impossible to hold a machete in a friendly manner.
my friend: so the new person you’re dating is another white guy named matt whose parents pay his rent?
me: yeah, but like, there’s something different about this one.
narrator: there was in fact not anything different about this one.
When I was in 2nd grade, a girl in my class had a large pack of crayons. I wanted it. She asked if I would trade her my soul for the crayons. I said yes. But my mom made me trade her back so I could keep my soul & said if I traded my soul away again, I was grounded.
My therapist is so lucky. I’m like a Netflix Original that pays her to watch.
If I’m going to pick up something and I ask you, “What would you like?“ and you say “I don’t know, surprise me” I will come back with nothing for you, cuz surprise, you should of made a decision.
”Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
–MC Hammer giving a Museum tour
Friend: Do you know karate?
Me: [wanting to sound cool but not overly cocky] I’ve heard of him.
Found an ant in my bathroom today, which is weird because I haven’t had a picnic in there for like 3 months.
One of my sons says he likes my new haircut, and the other will have to twirl a sign outside a Mattress Firm to pay for college, I guess.
My Millennial gets her Masters in December and of course I’m proud but she called me last week to say our toaster broke and long story short, she plugged the wrong appliance in.
[wakes up from coma I went into in 1908] so how many more World Series titles have the Cubs won?
Great seizure this morning! We found 10 kg of c*****e in a statue. The 9kg of c*****e was weighed and bagged and, I can tell you, 7kg of c*****e took a fair few bags. We’ll hand the 4kg to the police after analysing the 2kg first. Well done Customs on finding the 300 grams!
“Ok, we’re naming our band after the next thing that happens”
*Adam busts in* Guys, you won’t BELIEVE how many crows are outside rn
did it hurt? when u opened ur bank app
DATE: I need a shot. Any recommendations?
BARTENDER: *looks me up & down* Penicillin.
football coach: i need you guys to make a play
(8 months later at opening night)
football coach: wait wtf is this
[after tee ball game]
Wife: we brought snacks for the kids.Me: [w/ mouthful of food] we did?!
At a red light:
Me: *turns to face car next to me*
*rolls down window*
Guy: *looks*
Me: *loudly sings song*
*dances*
G: *panicked look*
[Reading to 6 about sea turtles this AM before school]
Me: “A nest of sea turtle eggs that is in colder temperatures will hatch all male. A nest in warmer temperatures will hatch all females.” Hmm, cool. Didn’t know that.
6: *thinking* Sooo…Mommy was hot when she had me?
Me:
I’m shoplifting items from Dollar Tree and returning them to Five Below for a profit
[first day as a surgeon]
Nurse: you can’t operate on a patient without gloves!
Me: of course. we don’t want his hands getting cold.
So glad I spent $50K on university instead of saving for retirement; I’ll be the most well-read indigent in the VIP area under the overpass.
Girlfriend: *reading beautiful love poem in German*
Me: STOP YELLING AT ME