I’m a highly motivated procrastinator.
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Someone called me an “alarmist old lady,” when Boomer Doomer was right there.
sometimes the people that hurt us the most are the people with nunchucks
Police: Sir, you account is hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Police: No, bank account.
Me: Oh, thank god !!
I like to carry binoculars when hiking so that when I make frequent stops it looks like I’m appreciating nature instead of fighting for air
The three genders
My toddler pretended to leave for work this morning with no pants and a lunchbox full of mini donuts so my question is where do I apply for this job
My company does this icebreaker thing where every week a different person sends an email to the whole company talking about their average day, and today’s coworker started his “I wake up each day furious to be laboring under capitalism” and it has caused quite a stir.
I hope people think my toddler has a slight English accent bc we’re so cultured and not bc she’s basically been raised by Peppa Pig
*sewing*
A thread
I gently knocked a beetle off my lampshade to catch and release, it landed in my water which I poured into the sink to save it from drowning, and it ended up going down the drain. This is 2020.
[taking a knee]
Surgeon: Stop that woman!
I wanted to be Batman when I was a kid. So I kept leading my parents into dark alleys in the bad part of town.
I don’t clap when the plane lands but I would boo if it crashed
Her: Hey, I was just thinking about you.
Me: Isn’t it fun?
I never move faster than when I dive into bed, so my husband has to turn off all the lights and lock the front door.
whoever decided how to spell camouflage is a terrible terrible person
Sorry I romantically ran a seagull feather across your lips.
me: *sees bags of soil stacked in garden center
brain: slap ‘em, slap ‘em hard
If I ever met a Space Alien, I’d resist shaking its extended appendage, not knowing for sure the details of alien anatomy.
concern
Here’s a list of all the things my toddler doesn’t fight me on:
doctor: you have no heart
me: okay wow that’s rude
doctor: no you literally have no heart how are you even alive
demon living inside me: *to me* don’t
me: there’s a demon living inside me
demon: ugh
[psych ward]
me: this is nice they have jell-o
demon: ooo is it cherry
Me: *patting my wife’s belly* we have something to tell you
Her Mom: what?
Me: *patting her mom’s belly* I have a new disorder that makes me do this
Her Dad: are you serious?
Me: *patting his belly* yes
Me: When one door closes, another one opens.
Him: That explains the flies.
Men are like buses, they won’t text me back.
I bought an online course to improve my memory but forgot the password to access it
Just overheard at the library:
“This is a place of learning. I don’t understand why shoes are required!”
told the kids i had trouble with handwriting when i was little and 5yo asked if it was “because pens were made of feathers”
[face to face with a serial killer]
Me: So this is how it ends.
SK: Kill you? In this economy? I just needed to borrow a cup of sugar.
Having someone cancel plans on you is like watching trash take itself out.