Please remind your boss & Aunt Linda that I’ve trademarked the phrase “in these uncertain times” and they each owe me 50 bucks.
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Me: *googles my symptoms*
WEBMD: drunk for the last 6 days
4-year-old: Can you do what you want at work?
Me: No, I have to listen to my boss.
4: Mom is at your work?
Always love it when Members of Congress say they disagree w/ intel community’s analysis. Like having your plumber review your root canal.
Why don’t they just get Jehovah’s Witnesses to deliver the mail?
Kid: “Mom, there’s a dead possum in the yard.”
Me: “Let’s take a look.” [pokes possum with stick]
Possum: [pops up]
Me: Aaaaaahhhhh! [faints]
Possum: [starts poking me with a stick]
I really want a Popsicle but I’m so not in the mood for Freezer Jenga.
BREAKING: Polaroid photo taken. More on this story as it develops.
I go to seductively boop your nose but my finger pierces straight through the back of your skull.
“Sorry, I’ve been working out.” I say.
Her: What are your desires?
Me: My desires are..[imagines having a talking Pug named Maurice that I watch Netflix with]…Unconventional.
By the time you feel a butterfly under your heel, it’s already dead.
Consider it relationship advice.
How dare the delivery guy ring my doorbell and disturb me with a package that I ordered.
Can I have your parents’ phone number? I really need to inquire how you came to be 45 and don’t know that the “$” goes BEFORE the numbers.
In space, no one can hear…
I want to be able to sleep like the dude who had a horse head placed in his bed and didn’t even know it.
the eight spiders I swallowed last year have woven together the microplastics inside me to create a tiny starship enterprise and are zooming towards my brain as we spe
Welcome
BOB THE BUILDER: Can we fi-
MACGYVER: Done.
You’re 15 and miss the 90’s? Yeah, I’m sure those were the best 2 years of your life. Shitting in your pants and eating dirt.
Comcast Cable acquiring Time Warner Cable is a lot like your proctologist acquiring a bigger finger.
ME: I’m sorry. I’m not very creative.
JOHN: Dad, we know.
OTHER JOHN: It’s pretty obvious.
GIRL JOHN: It’s been one of the greatest trials of our family.
Has someone told the whales that they can’t sing for shit?
-Are you single?
-No, I’m an album.
Dyslexics are teople poo!
Got sad news today. After 7 years of medical training, my good friend has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients & now can no longer work in the job he loves. What a waste of time, training & money. A genuinely nice guy, and a great vet.
I find the fact Barney and friends got overlooked for every single Jurassic Park movie… bizarre
Had a dream some of my friends were mooning me, woke up at the crack of Don.
it was the best of times, it was the cursed of times
Is it just me or are the puzzles on The Guardian website really easy?
If you give your kid a roll of tape today then you should expect you’ll need to buy more tape tomorrow
Me: I’ll take these shovels. Do you carry limes
Cashier: *suspicious* Do you mean lime?
Me: Which one goes in rum and coke?
Cashier: Limes
Me: The other one, the dead body one