Me: why is there a graham cracker in my makeup bag?
4: oh, it’s probably mine.
Me: probably?
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wicked witch: i’ll get you, my pretty! and your little dog, too!
me: omg u think im pretty?
*wife stares at me*
*I stare at her*
*she frowns*
*I smile*
“You didn’t notice my new-”
“NICE HAIRCUT AND GLASSES.”
“Dress.”
don’t we all
*reheats leftovers from yesterday’s dinner date*
*takes bite*
*waiter from last night knocks on window*“how’s everything tasting folks”
Only whores show their boobs. Only uptight bitches won’t show their boobs. Please show me your boobs. Women are crazy. – men
can’t stop thinking about the time my husband said my hair looked nice “like a waterfall in the front & a velociraptor in the back”
me: [putting hand on widow’s shoulder] this fell out of the casket
Once in my life I’d like a password or username prompt to be all, “Shit you’ve almost got it. You’re getting closer.”
Just bought a new umbrella for the person that finds it tomorrow.
getting a brazilian wax is just getting the rug pulled out from under you
Make a dating service for introverts and call it Mumble
The hand doctor told me that I can no longer cook, clean, or vacuum.
Which would be amazing news if I actually did any of those things.
Had a customer in tonight moaning that the tyre pressure machine was free but now we charge 50p.
I shrugged and said “that’s inflation” and he didn’t even laugh why do I even bother?
I love when my friends start selling weight loss shakes because that’s one less person I ever have to talk to again.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
‘Mr lover lover mmmhm Mr lover lover, she call me Mr Boombastic, say me fantastic, touch me on the back, she say I’m Mr Ro.. mantic..’
Judge: *sigh* Again, please just state your first and last name for the court or you’re going to jail.
Don’t be afraid to start over. I’m now on my third body.
Airport prices are crazy. 5 billion dollars? For an airport?
The walls in my panic room are painted beige so I’m panicking but bored about it.
[first time golfing]
caddy: which club would you like sir
me: do you have turkey
Quick question: do you pee before or after sex? I pee after. I haven’t been able to pee in months
Age is just a number, like 100 hours of Community Service.
wife: I’m having a baby.
me: *handing menu back to waiter* I’ll have a baby as well.
Yesterday I found my first grader on her school computer designing a power point, and I just want to know why am I paying for camp this summer when I could just hire her for an unpaid internship?
Reintroducing spiders into my friend’s apartment to get rid of her cockroach problem. I’m sure she’ll thank me later.
A nice looking girl waved at me earlier today but there was no way I was swimming out that far to save her.
Take the road less traveled. Like, the one with the most mud, or the wettest grass, even if there’s a sidewalk nearby.
-Kids
To be honest, given a few tries I think I could do brain surgery.
[Testing Cat-Human Translator]
Scientist: Cat, what is your name?
Cat: I AM KANG THE DESTROYER
Owner: It’s not working. His name is Socks.
It’s not too spicy I just don’t think I like the flavor.
-Rival Dads when something is definitely too spicy for them.