smoking a cigarette reduces your life by 11min unless you smoke it real fast then it only takes like 3 or 4
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How many Mexicans does it take to change a light bulb? Just Juan.
Sorry my emotional support panther ate your emotional support peacock.
is he attractive or did he just reply to your message with full sentences in a timely manner
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Please, call me Yuri, let’s get right to it, have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Yes, I stole a penny from my mom’s swear jar, it was the Crime of the Cent, Yuri.
doc: i think you’re dying
me: I want a second opinion
doc: i think it’s great
Thanksgiving regret: no one at dinner wanted to talk about why the family members on TV’s “Dinosaurs” were all different species of dinosaur
“And on the 7th day he rested”. Obviously God had not yet created laundry at that point.
when the moon is out in the middle of the day it’s like oh no they called you in on your day off
Can we take a moment to celebrate the little ride we get in the pneumatic chair at the hair salon or barber when they pump it up or down
Spot cleaning is great because I just pick one spot to clean and then I’m done.
My toddler does this thing when he’s angry or frustrated where he growls. I been telling him to calm doon and stop. Two days ago buying a lemon and couldn’t open the bag to put it in so I growled loudly in the shop and now it all makes sense
“No way!” said the hitchhiker as both he & the driver held up an ax. “I was gonna kill you!” “No I was gonna kill YOU!” eruption of laughter
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were hereDomino’s : we said 30 min or less
I want my kids to have a fun childhood, but like a lazy, quiet kind of fun that doesn’t cost anything.
[ Playing with Ouija board ]
Ouija board: I have a boyfriend.
Hi, my name is Marlene
[Group in unison]: Hi Marlene
Sometimes I pee when I sneeze.
[Group]: …
Me: uh doesn’t AA mean ‘awkward accidents’?
If lemonade is made from lemons, what’s a colonnade made from?
Sometimes I wish I understood what some of you said and sometimes I am happy that I don’t.
Him: How was your day?
Me: Do you think my house key is sharp enough to sever a carotid artery?
Him: *opens four bottles of wine*
Guns don’t kill people. Cats don’t sew mittens. Houses don’t crap zebras. Lots of nouns don’t verb other nouns. This isn’t new information.
before mcdonald’s i bet “don’t buy cheeseburgers from a clown” was a pretty hard and fast rule
Brand new white Adidas completely ruined by 6 steps into the dog park gate.
“You can’t stand there.”
“Not there, either.”
“Nope that spot’s taken, too.”-Ground hogs
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
Honey Boo Boo evolves into Sugar Scab! Pokemon is back baby!
I love wearing a mask, I love the anninom….annominon…anonmin…
that people can’t tell who I am
My daughter asked me this morning
if this year for Halloween
instead of a mermaid
she could be a wet ghost.Um, a what now?!
This child was talking about a damn JELLYFISH
friend: look how big my new plant is getting!
me: oh wow, if you think that’s big you should see some of the ones outside has
Someone gave me a gift and I just found it on a Gifts for Grandma list. This hurts.