I’m only dating bad texters from here on out.
Who knew life could be so quiet and….peaceful.
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ME: [just killing it giving my best man speech]
WIDOW: Couldn’t you have written something new?
Not sure if I want buns of steel, or buns of cinnamon.
I wanna hold your ham or however that song goes
One time a guy left a full glass of sangria behind on a first date and I pretended I forgot my sunglasses so I could run back and chug it.
Nah mate, when the Americans talk about football they mean that silly game where the fat men dress up as Transformers
Mugger *shows knife*
Crocodile Dundee “No this is a knife”
*pulls out huge knife*
Alanis Morrisette “Hang on”
*sifts through 10,000 spoons*
“Welcome to the Association Against Acronyms & Abbreviations, your office is this way…”
– “We should call it AAAA!”
“You’re fired.”
How do I tell my doctor I only like him as a friend
I hate airplanes and flying. It’s like someone throwing a can full of people over the ocean and hoping someone in Europe will catch it.
Me: hey what’s this weird lump?
WebMD: could be cancer.
Me: it’s a raisin stuck to my elbow…
WebMD: you have two weeks.
Gandalf in the streets, Frodo Baggins in the sheets
diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
I will never get over the fact that a-hole and b-hole are the exact same thing
Whenever my kid’s teacher asks how I’m doing, I always want to reply, “Why? What did my kid tell you?”
[seeing a picture of myself]
Revolting. Burn it
[hearing a recording of my voice]
Awful. Grating
[seeing my tweets]
Genius. A blessing to this world
My house isn’t messy.
It’s ‘Picasso-ish’.
*wonders if any of my friends snorted tide when I was a teen since we didn’t have tide pods*
She asked me to buy Tampons so I bought Kotex, because that one time I wanted ice cream and she bought frozen yogurt.
Transformers: Human Centipede was a bit disappointing…
⭐☆☆☆☆
So I adopted a bunny today ❤ everyone meet Mr. Whiskers.
I don’t normally take my kids grocery shopping with me, but today I thought, “Oh, why not?” Then my 6yo grabbed a whisk from a display of cooking utensils and yelled “It’s time for your daily beating!” at my 9yo and I was like, “OH, RIGHT.”
“I make everything sad, but I’ll class your shit up.” – Violins
The Windows weather app shows moon rise and set times. Who is this information for? Werewolves?
it’s only a faux pas if it’s from the faux pas region of france, otherwise it’s just a sparkling oops
pirate: walk the plank
someone’s dad: is this teak?
Shirts that say SWAG and YOLO for sale at Walmart. Because dressing like an idiot should be affordable.
A haiku about getting the kids up for school:
Get up get up get
Up geT UP GET UP GET UP
Great there goes the bus
Be a sharp dressed man. Buy a suit made of knives. Scare ur boss into promoting u. Cut everyone’s sandwiches for them in the break room.
This white lady just whispered to her husband “there’s so many Asian people”… ma’m this is a flight to Japan
🎶Row, row, Robocop
Gently down the stream
Directive one: Uphold the law
I am part machine🎶