Jason Statham: I kicked the cap off a bottle once
Me: I kicked my shoe off once and it landed right next to the other one
Jason Statham: Hey we’re making another Expendables if you’re interested
You Might Also Like
My daughter is mad at me because I didn’t offer her a banana first thing this morning.
She hates bananas.
Him: What’s another word for pee?
Her: Urinate.
Him: Aw, thanks, babe…and you’re a ten, but please answer my question.
*I will not be awkward*
*I will not be awkward*Uber Eats delivery guy: Enjoy your dinner!
Me: Thanks, you too
I’m the guy who paints the murals of Venice and other Italian cities on the wall of every pizzeria in the tristate area and I know grapes aren’t that big man I just love grapes ok
Why you on this flight to LA?
“I’m shooting a pilot for a new TV series”
What’s it called?
“So you think you can emergency land a plane?”
Your kid says “don’t worry I take care of it” but you don’t know what “it” is.
Sign says World’s Largest Ravioli. “Where’s the filling?” people ask exploring its vast interior. The sound of boiling water grows to a roar
Me: cute infant you have there
Mary: thanks
Me: so tender and mild
Mary: …w-what
BABY WARDEN: ok lights out
BABY INMATES: but we’re scared of the dark
[pitch black]
BABY WARDEN: oh shit lights back on! lights back on!
[3 am]
toddler *steps on my face trying to sneak into the bed*
me: You are the worst ninja ever
Oh the things you don’t know you agreed to when pressing “accept” on the internet…
I’ve hidden porn everywhere. Not ordinary porn either, all that weird shit.
When I die, my family will talk about me for years to come.
My problem with McDonalds is I can’t go retrieve my kids in the play tubes because I can’t fit in the play tubes because I eat at McDonalds.
Protip: If your coworker has a picture of herself and her dog labeled “Beauty and the Beast” you shouldn’t ask her which one is which.
I still can’t believe someone stole my neighbours wind chimes tomorrow morning
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you like me
Cop: omg shut up I do not
My top 5 exercises:
-jumping to conclusions
-flying off the handle
-carrying things too far
-dodging responsibilities
-pushing my luck
Me: When one door closes, another one opens.
Him: That explains the flies.
I feel like I’m getting dumber. Like, my memory sucks, and I feel like I’m using half my brain. So I googled it, and it sounds like “brain fog.” There are simple steps to help relieve it. Diet, exercise, plenty of sleep. So what I’m saying is, I’m probably gonna get dumber.
Beep beep
Beep beep beep
Beep beep
Beep
Beep beep beep beep
Road Runner and R2D2 having a conversation
Colossal ancient god: YOUR SACRIFICE?
Me: *frantically googling “gift ideas”*
Mistakes can only be made by people who do something.
I had to buy our dog flowers because I accidentally called him our old dog’s name.
*pulls out earbud*
What?
“We need to talk.”
*pulls out earbud*
“You’ve been spending too much time at Chernobyl.”
*pulls out earbud*
No way
Hmm, not sure about this change
[ during sex ]
Can we make a food baby? I’m hungry.
*me in first month of med school working with a cardiologist*
doc: ok let’s go see this patient, remember they are recovering from the cabbage last week
me: the what
doc: the cabbage
me: i mean ya i guess cabbage can make me gassy too but a week seems a bit excessive??
doc:
i then learned that the doctor was referring not to a leafy green vegetable but rather a coronary artery bypass graft, or CABG (pronounced “cabbage)
the doc howled with laughter lmaooo
Might be time to get in shape. Halfway up these stairs and I’m considering setting up base camp and trying again in the morning.
My cat is so finicky. I finally gave up and taught him how to order Uber Eats for himself.