Me: I’m very observant
Also me: *pulls away from drive thru without order*
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My kid told me it was too sunny outside and for a moment it seemed like he wanted me to do something about it
Just saw a WiFi name called “Hot Signals In Your Area” and honestly that’s iconic
I got fired for telling customers if they wanted “smoking or non-smoking”.
Apparently the correct term in the funeral home business is “cremation or burial”.
My train of thought is actually just a drunken wedding conga line.
Current mood: Potato
For years I thought the ghost in my house was trying to scare me, turns out he was just booing my awful jokes
Judge: you’re guilty of inventing the word ‘liarish’
Me: you can’t be seriousful
“Son you’re just not cut out to be a mime.”
“Is it something I said?”
“Yes.”
In gangster movies they “know a guy” for every dirty job, yet I can’t find a single rando to fill in for Tuesday softball
My dilemma with religion is that my idea of Heaven consists of everything they’d send me to Hell for.
[creating seals]
Angel: It’s been a long day, how about just one more thing?
God: Give that dog a wetsuit & lets go the pub.
Some of your neighbors’ doors are too sophisticated to be unlocked with a credit card. For everything else, there’s MasterCard®.
God gave you alcohol, sex and music. Why do you all talk about politics?!
What if instead of meth you made the powerpuff girls?
children are a fun way to combine the impetuous insanity of a dog with the murderous disdain of a cat
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
Me, in DM rooms…
Like an octopus negotiating a roomful of toddlers, I negotiate a roomful of toddlers.
First time at a chinese supermarket. Staff: “What u want?” Me: “What’s dead?”
My dentist has decorated his office with pictures of teeth he has worked on, thank god my gynecologist doesn’t have the same decorator.
The same mosquito kept biting me last night. He probably thought he was at a wine tasting event.
do I regret it, Carol? Hell, I don’t even remember gretting it the first time!
[Date]
Karen: “You okay?”
Ian: “I’m undressing you in my mind”
K: “Okay… you look confused!”
I: “I’ve never seen a bra strap like this”
Interviewer: “need anything before we start?”
Hold on let me get my e-cig out of my PT cruiser
“…Actually the position has been filled”
Someone just told me to “have a blessed day.”
What do you even say to someone like that? I just hissed at them.
Don’t eat sugar, don’t drink alcohol, don’t eat saturated fat, wear sunscreen, drink plenty of water, moisturize, and exercise….
And you’ll be the healthiest corpse in the morgue.
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Tim, your word is “Oak”
TIM: [deep breath] Ok
*BUZZER*
T: What th–
J: So close! It’s O-‘A’-K
T: But…
J: Hard luck, kid
Me: I love my friends. Their interests? Incredible. Their tastes? Impeccable. I would die for them. If there’s a single thing they asked of me I literally could not possibly hesitate
Friend: Hey check out this cool song
Me: Haha cool maybe
I wish you’d told me you were happy just flirting on twitter. I’ve already bought plane tickets and murdered my wife.