every year on my birthday i take a bite out of this windowsill bc i get so excited
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If the prescription has anal leakage as a side effect, I’m not going to be playing nearly as much tennis as the guy in the ads
This morning my son said ‘pull my finger’ and I’m certain, somewhere in Ontario, my dad just smiled and felt pride for reasons he couldn’t explain.
“Time is of the essence”
Twitter: Hahaha nope
We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed
Nothing brings me more joy than watching my cats walk across sleeping family members.
When you’re asleep, you aren’t even a person to them.
Or when you’re awake.
my physical therapist told me I should be using a foam roller “or a wine bottle, since I know you have one of those at home”
[christ descends from heaven]
I HAVE RETURNED
[sees america]
OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
Not to brag, but several of my tweets have been described as ‘unfortunate’.
Today I was asked why we should bother paying interns if they’re “getting experience for their résumé.”
Here’s what we have say about that:
Accidentally wore a red shirt and a khaki pants to Target yesterday &, long story short, I think I have been promoted to assistant manager.
Me: I have the hiccups. You know what that means.
Wife: You’re about to get mad?
Me: That’s right. If they’re not gone in the next 15 minutes, I’m buying a gun.
God: *twisting an owl* I can’t get this damn jar open
[invention of cap’n crunch]
satan: give them sugar croutons
Noah
Two words: Egg Newtons™
Hard boiled eggs with a delicious fig filling.
Apparently banging the hell out of this remote doesn’t seem to be recharging these dead batteries.
Questions my toddler asked me this week:
– Which is better, a tree or yogurt?
– Do frogs know that they are frogs?
– Why do they still make regular blueberries when the chocolate ones are better?
– Were you ever alive?How about your kid?
Traveled back to 1918 and accidentally called it World War One.
You: *makes tiniest movement on sofa*
Someone: “you going to the kitchen?”
99 out of 100 Planet F1tness employees don’t give a fuck. You could smoke a brisket in the locker room, they’re just gonna ride out their shift. That one percent tho…
No coroner will need to do an autopsy to see what I ate, they’ll just need to shake out my bra.
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
How does the little mermaid decide which creatures are her friends and which ones are her bra
My husband and I have reached the age that neither of us will get up to investigate even the strangest of noises.
Any dinner can be a murder mystery dinner if you’re ambitious enough.
My friend said his dog retrieved a ball he threw over a mile away. I don’t know, that seems pretty far fetched.
me: are you telling me how to raise my children?
necromancer: trying to, yeah
Just shake the magic 8 ball and tell me what it says
Priest inside the confessional: I’m not sure you know exactly where you are
To save a bit of money on e-cigarettes I’ve started to roll my own batteries.