Wanna know what it’s like being married?
Chain yourself to a wild animal.
Now kick the animal.
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They say that unless you remember history you are destined to repeat it.
-I say to myself every time I think about cutting bangs.
The older I get, the more I understand why Squidward is always so annoyed.
I occasionally drink every single night.
“There, there,” I say, resting her head on my shoulder
Surgeon: Sir, we’re going to need that back if we want any hope for reattachment!
This recipe calls for 4 cups of cheese. That seems like an awful lot. I’ll add 6 just in case.
90 people have swine flu and everybody wants to wear a mask. A million people have AIDS and nobody wants to wear a condom.
Me: Dishwasher’s broken.
16: I’m sorry.
Me: Did you break it?
16: No, I meant, like, “I’m sorry for your loss.”
—Never bring a knife to a gun fight.
—I have to bring a gift to this thing? I barely know these people.
Shut up laundry.Nobody wants to do you.
I start each day with a green smoothie. Wait, no, the bartender’s saying it’s called a “Mojito.”
My gynecologist sent me a refund check for $18.70. I don’t know what it’s for but I feel like I need to be offended.
Apparently I’ve reached the age where Grammy, Emmy and Oscar are merely other residents in the nursing home.
i wish more people knew the word for woman in scottish, alas.
If being a role model involves anything before noon, I don’t want anything to do with that shit.
*hot girl puts a cherry stem in her mouth*
*twists it around with her tongue*
*pulls it out*
*it spells “I LIKE YOU AS A FRIEND”*
North Korea is officially named the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea. That’s like naming a prison The Fun Time Slumber Party Facility.
Me: How much for the snake hamster?
Pet Store Clerk: That’s a ferret
16yo [talking w friend]: fam that’s lit af, tell bae and the squad that it’s on fleek
PARENT: *calls 911* i think my kid’s having a seizure
[first date]
“So… you didn’t mention that you’re trapped in 230 million year old amber.”
[my motionless eyes glint within my golden shell]
I really loved the idea of moving and re-decorating until I realized one pillow is literally $25
Where are you going?
“Ice fishing”
You know you can just buy ice at the store right?
“No I mean th…”
Or just freeze some water even…
I’d have saved a fortune in Botox if my mama had been right and my face had frozen like that
The Onion called it…again.
🐕🍷
im like a onion. peel back the layers and u’ll see that deep down inside im just a smaller more afraid onion
Who cares about the new GTA when you can sit down and enjoy the new testament
I’m so out of touch with pop culture. My 5-year-old asked if DJ Marshmello was an actual marshmallow and I had to google it.
Airlines texting me “we in this together” emails but when my bag was 35kg I was on my own.
Since Hemsworth didn’t go for Thanos’s head, Avengers: Infinity War is a Chris miss movie.
I refuse to acknowledge the new year until the old one cleans up the mess it made.