“Relax, honey. It’s more scared of you than you are of it.”
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Leonardo DiCaprio is totally getting laid tonight! This has nothing to do with the Oscar, just a safe assumption to make each and every day.
Donald Trump always looks like he’s trying to apply lip gloss in a rear view mirror.
What doesn’t kill you probably tried, saw your tweets, and felt bad for you
[friend asks me to read an article]
brain: “am i taking too long? im not even reading it now. oh god”
me: [hands it back] “very interesting”
New friend- What do you do for a living?
Me- Disappoint my family.
I was walking down the street where the houses were numbered, 64k, 128k, 256k, 512k, and 1MB.
That was a trip down memory lane
Them: You need to get a sense of humor.
Me: You need to say something funny.
me: I invited my boss to dinner
her: I thought you hated him
me: I didn’t have any choice
my boss: should I leave?
I prefer to dance when someone is watching, you know, in case I need medical attention.
Being held captive can’t be all bad. At least you’re being held.
People look at you funny when you put things in their cart at the store.
Women say they like tall men, so I focused on growing til I hit 37 feet but now they just hide as I peer through the treetops, my stride toppling redwoods. They cover their ears when my voice rumbles through the canyons, “HEYYYY LAAAADIES!!!”
Been hearing a lot lately about bleaching your asshole. Do you just dump bleach over his head & keep out of his eyes or make him consume it?
Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.
If you cut off a mommy blogger’s head she can continue mommy blogging for up to three full minutes.
Next door’s newborn has a really distinctive cry it goes “VVVVRRRROOOOOOOOMMMMMMM!”
It’s not a breastfed baby – it’s a formula one.
I let my baby girl know she can do anything.
Except taking the bow out of her hair cuz IT’S REALLY CUTE AND SHE NEEDS TO LEAVE IT ALONE.
If Jesus appears to you, ask him to bevel cut a jack rafter onto a door header. If he doesn’t know what you mean, that’s an imposter Jesus.
No, I’m not dressing up as something sexy. I’m sexy 364 days of the year. I’m dressing up as the Predator.
god: here are the animals
man: [pointing to horse] i’m making that one wear shoes
Don’t tell me how to live my life, box.
Cop: Freeze!
Suspect: Try and catch me! *dives into Olive Garden’s bottomless pasta bowl*
Rookie: We gotta go after him!
Cop: No. He’s gone.
Doctor: We need you to spit in this cup.
Me, making unbroken eye contact: Ptooey.
I kid you not.
-Condom wearers
Stop calling me an amateur. I’ve been doing this for decades. I’m incompetent.
I told her love was all about sacrifice, but she still screamed when she saw the dead goat.
My fish makes so much noise during the night that I wake up six times a night to ask him if we are fighting
cat: *unresponsive*
bartender: get this catatonic
Don’t embarrass a guy by telling him his fly is open in public.
Just be a man, walk over there, and slowly zip it up for him.