Cop1:did u hear about the kidnapping?
Cop2: should we go help?
Cop1: No it’s ok he woke up.
This fall on CBS
“Good Cop, Dad Cop”
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her: did you know makeup expires?
me: *spits mine out* what
coworker: look at my baby
me: wats his name
coworker: jeremy
me: how do u kno
coworker: we named him jeremy
me: wat if he already had a name
Me (screaming in baby’s face): EITHER KILL ME OR MAKE ME STRONGER!!!!
Remember when that really cute guy held the door for you at the book store? He doesn’t.
Ancestors survived five mass extinctions on earth for me to be killed by a house cat I was trying to put a christmas sweater on.
I WISH I WERE PAC-MAN SO WHEN I GOT UPSET I COULD EAT SOME CHERRIES & EVERYONE AROUND ME WOULD TURN INTO GHOSTS
Any time my wife brings up home renovations I just mention installing a urinal and suddenly we’re not talking about home renovations any more
7yo: Did you drink coffee before we were born?
Me: Yes
7yo: Did you eat pancakes?
Me: Yes
7yo: What didn’t you do?
Me: Talk while peeing.
Probably even more relevant for the next couple of days.
“Just make sure he knows these are for Christmas AND his birthday”
Happy Birthday if it’s yours today.
ME: I need help losing weight. I’ve tried everything.
NARRATOR: He hadn’t tried anything at all. Nothing.
Not to be a Scrooge, but if you play or even hum along with Christmas music before December 10, you should be sent to a concentration camp.
most whales are bigger than a strawberry
I just sent a text that says “we really need to talk” to everyone I know so nobody will bother me today.
ANAESTHETIST: Count backwards from 100
ME: 100..99..98ME: ..3..2..1..um [looks round] now what?
ANAESTHETIST [muffled] You have to find me
[ordering Indian food]
them: thank you for calling Chutneys, what would-
me: I’m white
them: say no more, where would you like your butter chicken and garlic naan delivered?
When we were kids our “get home” text was a streetlight.
[House hunters]
Pigs: we’d really love a brick house
Wolf realtor: how do we feel about wood tho?
I broke my finger yesterday. On the other hand, I’m okay.
*night falls, the full moon rises*
ME: go, please! i don’t want you to see me…like…this
HIM: omg what’s happening
ME: *asleep by 10 pm*
I’m buying more booze than ever these days. Wonder if I need an intervention. I’d hate to become a shopaholic.
my goal weight is my current weight + 1.5lbs of steamed crab legs
wait, do bisexuals experience sexual attraction twice a year or once every two years
*pulls up to drive thru window
Hi yes, do you guys deliver?
Whenever I go grocery shopping I make sure I’m stuck behind the people who have never seen food on shelves before.
Hired a chimney sweep and he refused to sing and dance on our roof. A disgrace to the profession.
never ask a starfish for directions
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet ice cube just melted in his apple juice
ME: Ha ha bro why is your wife named Purse Phone?
HADES: That isnt… thats not how you say it
I don’t usually talk to strangers but when I do its because I’m at the zoo and someone called a tortoise a turtle.
Some women can shave their heads and look like goddesses. If I shaved my head, I would look like roll-on deodorant.