Me: Why aren’t you in bed?
5: I need smooth jazz.
Me: Uh what?
5: I NEED YOU TO PLAY ME SMOOTH JAZZ!
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It sounds mean, but my best friend sent me a card with glitter in it, so the next time I see her I’m going to have to punch her in the face.
me: oooh is that a bowl of jelly beans on the table?
therapist: yes help yourself
me: [mouth already full of jelly beans] if I could do that I wouldn’t be here
hate seeing someone driving a cement mixer and theyre mixing the cement as they drive. mix it at home and just drive
[normal life]
ive worn the same shirt everyday for a week
[packing for vacation]
hmmm. i’ll prob change a few times a day so thats…32 shirts
[Court]
ME: You expect us to believe your alibi — that everybody’d gone surfin’? Surfin’ USA?
BEACH BOYS: *sweating* Y-yeah
ME: Then how do you explain this?! *I hold up a picture showing that everybody was kung-fu fighting*
Sorry the tattoo artist missed your eye and put that teardrop under your nostril.
Mermaids are a lot less sexy when their top half’s the fish part.
If you eat enough hershey kisses, you can reform the wrappers into a kiss and replace it in the bowl. This is less funny if you live alone.
they spent weeks “Finding Nemo” and “Finding Dory” but Marlin sure seemed to give up way easier when his wife disappeared. kinda sus.
Soon a hero will rise. Then he will fall again. Then he will rise and also fall. Wait. The hero is on a trampoline.
Women are too difficult, I’m gonna marry a poptart
Him: Can you please stop using the bananas like they are phones
Me: But how am I supposed to contact the gorillas
Him: You’re unbelievable!
Gorilla *over banana*: When are you leaving him?
new york is like a toxic boyfriend, all winter you’re like why does he treat me this way and then spring hits and you’re like wow he loves me so so much
CHILD: I thought you liked Froot Loops.
TOUCAN SAM: *eating an egg salad sandwich he brought from home* Look, kid, it’s just a job.
My trainer said that I have to stop referring to Reese Cups as protein bars
I could tell by the way she was pouring gasoline on a pile of my clothes, that the relationship had hit some turbulence.
Good morning to everyone except my son who asked why I haven’t had a real boyfriend in years.
Before you tell a woman her makeup is askew, be sure she’s actually wearing makeup.
“Sexy role play.. I’ll be a dentist.”
“I’m here for my appointment”
“Did you book in with Karen first?”
“No?”
“Please leave, I’m very busy.”
Wife to 4yo: How did you get your shirt so dirty?!
4yo: Because lunch.
Wife: How many beers is that for you today, dear?
Me: Like 4 maybe. 5 tops.
Wife: I counted 19.
Me: Well I rounded down.
There’s a Canadian on vacation somewhere in Florida right now telling everyone they meet Y’ALL DONT KNOW WHAT COLD IS
My Girlfriend wanted a cat. I didn’t want a cat. So we compromised and we got a cat…
Couldn’t of?! COULDN’T OF?? Oh really? You could not of? Interesting.
Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand?
Because a toothbrush works better.
There is no such thing as an antique car. An antique car is a horse.
I understand that children are our future, but in the future can they be on a different train?
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they don’t come back they aren’t a phoenix and were completely useless to you anyway.
Me: I can’t wait to say goodbye to 2021!
2022: *Somehow already on fire*
I can’t stop laughing at this photo my friend posted of an iguana eating her guacamole at a resort in Cabo. It brings me such joy. And the people looking on with horror/laughter are the chef’s kiss.