A car says a lot about the owner. I have a KIA which tells people I have bad credit.
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NOAH: whoa hold up, we already have two slugs
SLUG (wearing shell): no no, not slug *taps shell with eyeball* call me snail
NOAH: *narrows eyes* you look like a slug
SLUG: does the big guy know you brought your wife and kids?
NOAH:
SLUG:
NOAH: karaoke’s at 7
[jaws theme plays]
Me: omg
Shark groom: omg she’s here
6-year-old: Spill me some milk.
Me: You mean “pour.”
6: Not the way you do it.
There’s a mom at the school pickup with a shirt that says “I don’t always whoomp, but when I do, there it is.” I think I love her
me: wanna hang out?
southern girl: well, dip me in honey butter, roll me around in mississippi sand and saddle a junebug to savannah
me:
My mom was concerned about my drinking so I told her I was done drinking for good. She let out a sigh of relief until I told her I was now drinking for evil.
Me: You’re dumping me because I never listen and you’re gay!?
Boyfriend: …No. I said I’m dumping you because you never listen, have a nice day!
I changed my phone ringtone to the doorbell sound bc I don’t answer that either.
When I tell my dental hygienist that I floss regularly, I’m lying through my teeth.
What this place needs is a revival of the narrator tweets.
Narrator: No, that’s the last thing this place needs.
me: god grant me the serenity
god: no ❤️
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy, and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
McDonalds CEO: your job is to entertain the children. what is your job?
Ronald McDonald: e-eat them?
McDonalds CEO: goddammit. shock him again
In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.
Do other animals have signature tranquilizers, or are horses just especially stressed out?
My toddler eats with her right hand but is ambidextrous when it comes to total destruction.
Hold in my laughter like that? I’d last for 0.1 second
me: I wish I would have put on sunscreen
wife: I have some in my purse
me: naaaaahhhh
It’s awkward when I have to pull someone aside and point out that my fly is open.
The internet was a mistake. Civilization was a mistake. Evolving was a mistake. We could be sitting in trees eating delicious bananas right now, but instead we’re here getting Very Angry Online.
ME: we sure have one great kid
WIFE: we have two kids
ME: yes we do
Someone posts video
“Wait till the end”Me – *fast forwards to the end*
“Chest, chest, chest and chest, chest and chest” – T-Rex singing “Head, shoulders, knees and toes”.
Marry a man who surrounds himself with good weather and can provide good weather for you and your children.
If Canada takes over the world we’re all going to be sorry.
which bird do you think most deserves to be punched in the face and why is it a goose
13: mum, I fell in P.E and hurt my leg… and Chloe saw me face plant.
Me: aw, baby, don’t be embarrassed… it happens.
13: I know, mum… I got up, looked her dead in the eye, and said “look at that, Chloe, I scraped my knee falling for you!”
Do I fail parenting now?
Your other foot. Nope. Still the other foot. You have two feet this isn’t hard. THE. OTHER. FOOT. OMG
-me watching a toddler put shoes on