Eating fruit loops out of a plastic baggy on the train and nodding at a baby doing the same thing.
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we are always told “don’t eat the cookies that are cooling on the tray” and then “don’t eat the cookies that are in the jar” the loophole in this system is to eat the cookies while they are still baking in the oven.
cashier: paper or plastic
me: it’s a debit card
cashier: no for your milk
me: oh haha liquid’s fine
I sold the armchair I had in my room and now I have nowhere to put my clean laundry and stare at it for 8 days??
[At Vision Center]
Receptionist: Which Doctor would you like to see?
Me: I’d like to be able to see all of them. That’s why I’m here.
My wife [sexily] – “why don’t we…turn out the light?”
Me, a moth – “no”
I’m so forgetful, I swear I’d lose my own head if it wasn’t attached with this black velvet ribbon which you must never, ever, ever touch.
Tonight we’re cooking together, period. I’ll serve the cereal, you pour the milk
Told a woman who was shopping with a newborn that I had teenagers. I was waiting for her to say I looked too young to have teenagers.
She didn’t.
[at dave’s who has like 9 dogs]
me: “what d’you call a fly with no wings”
dave: “keith dont”
me: “a WALK!”
[drowns in a tidal wave of dogs]
*lost in China*
Friend: ask that man where we areMe [pretending to speak Chinese with a local]: xian chan sēn
F: well?
Me: we’re in China
There are two rules in life:
1) Never give out all the information.
Some of you would make better cellmates than soulmates.
A great summer prank is to park your car just outside the mall with a fully cooked ham in baby clothes strapped into a child seat.
Roe v Wade is my favorite bitter controversy about the best way to cross a small river.
I hate when I wake up in a strange house, & have to go outside to look at a license plate to figure out what state I’m in.
Alcohol because no great conversation ever started over a salad !
surgeon: we’re only allowing family right now
olive garden waitstaff: yeah that’s why we’re here
Just walked into my local court house, they were all sitting around in a circle with black candles and robes trying to summon a jury #funny
[me narrating a documentary about narrators]
“I can’t hear what they’re saying cuz I’m talking”
There should be an energy drink named 6 AM toddler.
I’ve never met a day I couldn’t ruin.
Always leave the shower curtains open.
*things I learned from horrors
I forgot the word “rake” so I called it a yard comb.
Halloween: The one day I can flap my arms like a bat and nobody asks any questions.
What doesn’t kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren’t good enough for death.
i’m selfie-employed. yes sir i’ll make a duck-face. right away sir.
Number of times my dog has puked on:
the tile floor: 0
the carpet: 3,290
I was taught to look both ways and only step into the crosswalk when a luxury car is approaching.
16th CENTURY KING: Fear not, for I have come
COURT JESTER: lol that’s what she spake
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen