Damn boy, are you leftover pizza in the fridge? Because I’ve been thinking about you all night…
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Save money by just buying bigger pants instead of paying a one year gym membership
My greatest hope is for my eulogy to start with “Her reign of terror is finally over.”
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single “I’m going out for cigarettes.”
My dad said he thinks his new gf is the one and I said well technically she’s the fifth one
I want to know what the cat was doing that made the animal control officer be like, you know what, I think this cat just destroyed an 8-ball.
I gently knocked a beetle off my lampshade to catch and release, it landed in my water which I poured into the sink to save it from drowning, and it ended up going down the drain. This is 2020.
Being a parent isn’t just a job it’s a way of life. Like coal mining, or deep sea fishing, or ice road trucking….really any job that’s actively trying to kill you.
Listening to the snow getting plowed outside my window and so jealous
I look after you all day, cook all your meals and clean the whole house, but dad builds one lego thing and he’s the hero?
Actually that lego is pretty impressive, and if I’m honest I didn’t clean the whole house
Me: I love Bowl Season
Them: yeah, football every day for a month!
Me: *surrounded by 47 bowls of snack foods* huh?
Wonder what happened to all the kids in middle school who flipped their eyelids inside out at recess
Me: *leaves body to science*
Science: *starts crying*
when I was younger and an attractive woman’s gaze lingered, it would be a huge confidence boost – now I’m like shit is my shirt on inside out
[feeding the cat]
Me: Here’s your food, Buddy.
Cat: Buddy is the dog’s name.
Me: Gosh, you’re right. Sorry.
Cat: I’m really hurt.
Me:
Cat: JK, I never listen to a fricken thing you say anyway.
omg leave her alone
Who called it a “period tracker” and not a flow chart?
Good guy in movie shot 3 times: I must save my family
Me, kinda sore from trampoline sesh: sorry gramma can’t make it to your 85th bday
When a proctologist fixes a problem, do they say it’s been rectified?
Being a mom means saying things that shouldn’t be threatening in a very threatening manner. Like, “EAT YOUR CEREAL!” for example.
There’s a fine line between “I slept great” and “what did I do to my neck?”
so we’ve been wondering why our daughter insists on inserting the short end of the bendy straw into the juice carton. today, she explained her reasoning
Eating chips and watching TV annoys me because of the loud crunching noise. Then I realize I’m eating chips and watching TV and I’m not annoyed anymore.
Kids are the worst CIA agents. I KNOW WATERBOARDING SUCKS KATIE BUT YOU CAN’T TELL THE TALIBAN EVERYTHING FOR A CAPRI SUN YOU IDIOT
God: *twisting an owl* I can’t get this damn jar open
*gets bitten by radioactive shark
*the remaining half does not gain super powers
Dad: There’s no use crying over spilled milk son.
Me: But dad it was tequila!
Dad: What!? *cries immensely*
There will always be a special place in my heart for my atrioventricular septum.
Game of Thrones is exciting, but I think it’s important to remember that these people are fighting over a chair
him: you’re obsessed with the Flintstones
me *totally broke, struggling to use a chipmunk to open a can* haha yes
I would never drink and drive. I did drink and fight a swan once. Would not recommend.