So instead of doing laundry I just spent 2 solid hours ranking my laundry baskets from favorite to least favorite.
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Every so often, someone in the know has a momentary lapse in judgment, and you get a glimpse of what geopolitics in the 21st century is actually like.
This is one of the most illuminating tweets ever in that regard:
I have laryngitis, and my kids have never been happier.
4 out of 5 fire departments recommend I get takeout.
I wish offended people reacted like fainting goats. No, it wouldn’t solve a thing, but life would be so entertaining.
The most unbelievable aspect of the Star Trek universe is that every ship they meet has compatible video conferencing facilities…
The last apple tree in the world shrivels up and dies. In the distance a horde of doctors are ready.
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
*sings lullaby*
In the jungle,the mighty jungle,the lion sleeps tonight
If you get up from your bed again, the lion eats your legs
Wimoway..
*finishes a project in 20 minutes that was supposed to take 40 minutes*
*celebrates by screwing around online for 4 hours*
My mom just texted me and yelled at me because she put money in my bank account to buy books and I “spent $100 on country concert tickets even though I don’t listen to country and didn’t buy one book” I bought a book from MCGRAW-HILL. NOT Tim McGraw and Faith Hill tickets.
Delivering eulogy at o’possum’s funeral: Before I start I’d like to give Jeff a few more minutes to come around.
“Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus” is on, followed by “Mega Shark vs Crocasaurus”. Nice job, SyFy. Way to GIVE AWAY THAT GIANT OCTOPUS LOSES.
My dad to me: When I was a kid, people would suffer paralysis and death from Polio.
Me to my son: When I was a kid, hand dryers barely did anything.
If ghosts exist, I bet there are a lot of haunted women’s locker rooms.
Support bacteria
They’re the only culture some people have.
priest: you may now kiss the pride
me: excuse me?
priest: *motions to the other side of the altar where 7 to 8 lions with lipstick wait*
I want to install a camera system, partly for security, but mostly so when my husband texts me asking what’s for dinner I can send him a 16 minute video montage of the kids screaming followed by a Thai take-out menu screen-shot.
Cats don’t have owners, cats take people hostage in order to feed them …
HER: *Points to my dish* I’ll have what he’s having
ME:*Blocks plate w/ my arms* This is mine
H: No, I mea-
M:*To waiter* Tell her it’s mine
Would like to be a man who dies with his boots on, but knowing my luck it will be a day I chose to wear socks with a pair of Crocs and my friends will have fun with that.
[Looking out the window]
Me: I don’t understand this show.
without fail i always get felt up by the tsa which is fine because air travel is expensive and i want my money’s worth
My daughter said, “You’re the best mommy ever!”
I’m really proud that she’s learning sarcasm at such a young age.
Dr: Read the chart for me please.
Me: Needs immediate psych evaluation?
Dr: Ma’am, I was talking about the eye chart.
Glade bathroom spray- because everyone loves the smell of someone crapping on a rose bush.
Before kids: I’d choose going blind over going deaf.
After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!
My doctor is always whispering to me something about not sticking Q tips in my ears. I need a louder doctor
Two mushrooms in a forest.
One says: “Hi, how are you?”
The other replies: “Shut up, mushrooms can’t talk!”
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
Aww. This is sooo cute. My 12 pet shrimps have taken their shells off and are drinking from a bowl of cocktail sauOH MY GOD WHO DID THIS!?
I like to put powdered sugar around my nose before Zoom meetings