Sorry boss, I set my alarm for 7PM instead of 7AM and that’s why I haven’t been at work in six years.
You Might Also Like
“The Godfather” teaches us that:
1. Nothing is more important than family and
2. Our families are always trying to kill us.
I just put the crockpot on the counter.
Which is basically the Bat Signal for ✨starting tomorrow we’ll be eating the same thing for the next three days✨
Waiter: black pepper?
Me: sure
Waiter: say when
Me: [remembering I have large investments in numerous peppercorn plantations] haha sure
If PRETTY WOMAN starred WILLEM DAFOE.
Jesus H. Christ.
If you hear someone yelling “we have macaroni and cheese and bread at the house,” don’t worry that’s just my dad because I just paid $10.16 for a grilled macaroni and cheese sandwich at Panera Bread.
He wasn’t with me, but I’m sure he feels a disturbance in the force.
It truly bothers me how many people would marry someone just for their money. Because I’m trying to do that & you’re lowering my chances.
Pancake in Spanish is panqueque, which translates back into English as *does raise the roof motion* bread whaaaat whaaaat
Me: oh shit, our new doormat says ‘Welcome,’ do you think any vampire can just come in now?
BF: just turn it around.
Y’know who else threw the bubble-wrap away without popping all the bubbles?
Hitler
People named Rolf be rolling on the laughing floor
Me: my dog Ruffles can talk – what’s the outside of a tree?
Ruffles: bark!
Me: a word to describe shouting an order?
Ruffles: bark!
Friend: he’s just woofing
Ruffles: I said bark not woof, you idiot
Have you tried soaking yourself in rice to fix your problems?
~ Me as a therapist
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: I use bad words
Interviewer: *laughing* that’s okay, we’re pretty tolerant around here
Me: well that’s extrusively marblous to hear
– Then use a paw of oregano and a tooth of salt
-Are you kidding me? How much is a ”paw”?
-You say ”a pinch ” all the time and nobody asks. Figure it out. You’re the 5 star chef, n’est pas?
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick.
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand.
Dude with 7 followers is criticizing my jokes. That’s not a Twitter account. It’s a group text.
“We’re all in this together” used to sound comforting — until I realized it means I’m relying on a lot of stupid Americans to stay alive.
Crows are like if a witch decided “I’m a bird now, too”
why are there sports bars but not cute bars where u can sip wine and cheer for competitive cooking shows?
“Dear Diary, the ugly woman at the bank cut in front of me today.”
Woman: “EXCUSE ME?!”
[whispers]”Dear Diary, I think she can hear me.”
The Santa Clause (1994) A man gains a ton of weight after murdering a stranger on his roof
Since you’re not a dentist and you’re entering my mouth with a pair of pliers, repeat after me: “I swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth.”.
Dance like you know what you’re supposed to do with your arms while dancing
Year 2696.
Archeologists 1: *looking at cursive written on an ancient wall* Come here, I’ve made a discovery. What does it say?
Archeologist 2: If my translation is correct it says, “For a good time, call your mom.”
If you want to know what a girl will look like in 30 years, stop talking to her and show up to her house in 30 years to check on her.
Pretty busy at the gym this morning. I’m 6th in line for a selfie.
I’ll interrupt important meetings with random dance-offs against the superintendent, just to remind him who really runs the prison.
OUCH I HAVE A FOOT CRAMP
You’re dehydrated
[Walks on toes]
Drink some water
[Crawls on knees]
Drink water
[Lays on floor]
Water-
[Dies]
*walks into the funeral home*
*climbs into a coffin*
I’m ready when you are
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.