Doctor: When he wakes from this coma, we don’t know if he’ll be the same or have brain damage
Me *opening eyes* gonna buy a duck and call it Dan Quackroyd
Doctor: Oh no
Wife: Oh shit he’s the same
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I don’t have ADD. It’s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.
[philosophy class]
PROFESSOR: u must question everything
[later]
ME: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have u been doing all day?!
*gets several new followers on Sunday
*adds Jesus to resume
Everything that my lip balm is, I want to be.
Rich, Hydrating, and Age-Defying.
So, apparently, “My old girlfriend liked it!” isn’t a good defense when your significant other doesn’t like the Taco Bell gift certificate you got her for Valentine’s.
2: [looks at old photo]
Papa you have no beard?Me: That was a long time ago, before Papa grew one.
4: [looks at same photo]
This before Mama had one, too?My wife:
Me: [sighs] 4 years. You had a good run, son.
It’s impossible to slowly tiptoe around without activating T-Rex arms.
somebody seems to be trying real hard to get Gurt’s attention
My ex just followed me on Twitter.
That said:
“Say hello to Hitler for me, Mary.”
*BLOCKED*
my husband just committed the cardinal sin of asking my kid what she wants for Christmas so does anyone know where I can get a kids drum set at 6pm on Christmas Eve?
Black Friday through the years:
2005: 5am
2010: 3am
2012: 12am
2013: Thursday 8pm
2014: Thursday
2020: 4th of July
Me: This “Fear the Walking Dead” show is really creepy.
Wife: This is the Video Music Awards.
OMG! Imagine being in a room with all of your exes!
*imagines room of people playing ps4 and ignoring me*
Films and television have led me to believe that masquerade balls have a higher mortality rate than most wars.
me: I won two tix in the car on the way home today!
husband: cool, what for?
me: Speeding and Failure To Maintain A Lane.
I make sure my husband thinks about me during the workday by packing him a sandwich that also falls apart for no reason.
can we all agree that Mini Cooper drivers need to put an extended flag on the back of their cars so the stalls where they’re parked stop looking empty?
Ever realize the only thing stopping you from a life of crime is a good night’s sleep? Anyway, I slept well.
When a cop gives you a ticket for speeding he won’t be impressed when you tell him “I do this all the time.”
I know this now.
MOM: What did you learn at summer camp?
KID: We built a generator out of sticks and mud
MOM: A generator? For what?
KID: To charge our iPods
“Ohhh, a knife! What are you gonna do, stab me or something?”
– Guy about to get stabbed bad
ok but this should absolutely be the only acceptable method now
Netflix: are you still watching
Alexa: yeah he’s here
Me: 😳
Bad weather is My way of temporarily punishing you. Bad climate is your way of permanently punishing you.
[playing frisbee with my dog]
Me [out of breath]: boy, you’re a lot heavier than I thought
I think this man might be the one, I say right before he dumps me and I never hear from him again
He told her that trees blossom in her presence. What he meant was that she scares the sap back up into them.
[Review]
Boss: We’ll be giving you the company car *yawns*
Me: A car!
B: Sorry, I meant company card *sneezes*
M: Well, a card’s still cool.
B: Sorry again, It’s the company cardigan.
M: Ok, I’m a medium.
B: Then you should have known it was a sweater the whole time.
I’m the master at playing ‘The floor is lava’
*Lies on the couch*
Papa john’s: order a pizza!
Mama john’s: we have pizza at home