Some guy just smiled at me at the store and I didn’t know what to do; so I gave this half smirk, half confused look and I’m pretty sure he thinks I have gas
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I saw a sign that said “bridge subject to icing” and I thought “that sounds delicious”
My lawn care company sent me an email saying, “We like to feed it before we seed it,” and I was like damn, they stole my game.
[first date]
HER: I like classic cars
ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels
date: so what do you do?
me: *doing a huge amount of karate* adderall
A snow angel, except a floor covered in puppies.
texting and driving is the worst. i hate having to pay attention to the road while i’m in the group chat with the boys
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
Age is somewhat irrelevant as “seen some shit” years will age you faster than anything else.
So can we start calling them Traylor now?
My parallel parking skills are unparalleled.
I told our stepmom that when you first log onto Zoom calls, you’re supposed to put your face close to the camera and open your mouth really wide so other callers can examine your teeth.
My brother just sent me an angry text.
*quietly tries to open bag of chips while fiancé is reading her wedding vows*
If people who made meth called themselves methematicians it would probably be a more respected occupation.
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we prefer to call it a background check.
a horse standing on its tiptoes after seeing a giraffe
I hate everything
Tacos are NOT a good pre yoga snack.
I know this now.
I accidentally asked for a “large” coffee at Starbucks and some kid standing behind me swallowed his vape pen.
thinking about a very short hotdog
Dasani water taste like it’s been sitting in a water gun
Many people told me I would benefit exposing myself to art.
[My funeral]
Priest: Ashes to ashes dust to dust
*my casket is lowered into the McDonald’s ball pit*
Employee: *confused* Ronald really okayed this?
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u wanted?
W: OMG
M: I’m in a bar not far from there
*goes to the park*
*spoon feeds red bull to the ducks*
I have sitting jeans and I have standing jeans, but I don’t have a pair that’ll do both.
me: eat this food
baby: never
me: the food is now an airplane
baby: “never” was a strong word
When you get a “Your Package Has Shipped” notification as soon as a shipping label is created that’s like the business equivalent of sending a “I’m walking out the door now!” text when you just got out of the shower.
i made cheesy potato soup & my 5-year-old walked into the kitchen and told me it “stinks like a raccoon”
guys what if I accidentally brought home the wrong baby from the hospital because I don’t know if this one is mine
MOM: Would you like some spaghetti before your big rap battle, sweetie?
EMINEM: That sounds wonderful, thanks Mom
#dnd #ttrpg