Me: this is my service alligator. he’s trained
Him: it’s not trained. it attacks anyone who gets close to you
Me: like I said, it’s trained
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Me: Oh my god, that cat is adorable! She’s the cutest kitty I’ve ever seen!
Cat: I just want to be friends.
*Husband using Ouija board after I’ve died*
Please answer me
*arrow moves*
“It’s on the top shelf. Right there. RIGHT THERE! Use your eyes!”
Pinterest could’ve been an amazing dating site. If the project ideas came with men to do them, there wouldn’t be a single cat lady left.
Boss: “Do you have a Twitter account?”
Me: “Umm… Yo no hablo inglès.”
Boss: “Tienes una cuenta de Twitter?”
Me: *fakes a seizure*
I thought secret rooms would play a bigger role in my adult life. Like the kind of room you access by pulling a book on a shelf or pressing a certain stone on a wall or pulling on a sconce. Also where are all the trap doors?
Hostage negotiator: I don’t quite get your demands.
Always the bridesmaid, never the winner of the office costume party because I keep going as a bridesmaid
host: welcome to Are You Faster Than a 5th Grader.
me: faster?
Braden: [has a chainsaw]
There’s no “I” in team but there is one in shut your stupid mouth.
[man walks into a bar]
Horse bartender: Why the short face? SEE? SEE? IT’S NOT COOL!
I think God created marriage so death wouldn’t come as such a disappointment.
7 years ago I met my husband, the love of my life and my baby daddy…
It was awkward at first, but they all seem to be getting along now.
HOW I DRESS FOR UNIVERSITY
First day of the week: brad pitt
Last day of the week: homeless druggie
Son: We’re having chicken and rice for dinner?
Me: No. That’s for the dogs. Heat up some pizza rolls or something.
[twirls in a dress made of knives]
Oh, this old thing? Just something I put on and wield against innocent bystanders every 28 to 31 days.
[8 eating some chips]
8: Can I eat the whole bag?
Me: No, just the chips that are inside
if you were really my friend, you’d know my favorite kitchen utensil. it’s the ladle. ok we’re friends now.
It was the best of times, it was the trying to get to the recipe at the bottom of a food blog of times
I didn’t choose the thug life, the thug life chose me; mistakenly as it were because I have the nerves of a guinea pig and puke when I cry.
°at Nike advertising meeting°
I need a slogan for these shoes by the end of the day. I don’t care how it gets done just do it..hold up a sec
The extreme internal pressure from my intelligence is forcing my hair follicles to fall out …. No one believes me
“Man, what’s eating you today?
*looks down*
I Don’t know…. GET IT OFF OF ME!!!
Garfield creator breaks silence to give impassioned speech. “It’s pronounced Jarfield” he says through tears
Woman to friend at store: We can get shrimp for people who don’t eat meat!
Me: don’t forget the cheese for the lactose intolerant people!
Him: I’m drowning in bills
Me: You should sign up for paperless
What if they close the grocery stores and we actually have to hunt for our food?
I don’t even know where little Debbie lives.
I’m like Helen of Troy. Not in the sense of being breathtakingly beautiful, but in the sense of pissing people off and starting wars
If a shark is ever attacking me I’m gonna be like where are your parents do they know you act like this
Me: you know in that remake of mad max where the blind dude is playing guitar on the spiky death metal car with flames shooting out of it and people are swinging around throwing spears?
Wedding Planner: what
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
My wife is leaving for a cruise today and the only thing that she left me was a list of shows I’m not allowed to watch yet.