My wife urged me to be more experimental in the bedroom, but I guess she wasn’t expecting I’d be dissecting so many white mice.
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You can break your toddler’s heart or you can explain that the dinosaur exhibit at the zoo is closed for cleaning. Choose wisely
if I had a girlfriend I’d cook a giant scallion pancake in the shape of a poncho just to keep her warm
Closing time, son
“Huh?”
You don’t have to go home but you can’t stay here
“But I live here Dad”
*Dad stares at me*
Don’t forget your Xbox
Her: Mmm, you smell nice, what’s that cologne?
Me: Oh, something French and expensive. I wanted to impress you.
Cat: It’s Febreze-scented cat litter dust from changing my litter box.
Me: You’re a really shitty wingman, Felix.
Good morning
*uses the chicken dance as an emotional defense mechanism*
[first day as skydiving instructor]
Me, holding back tears: some of you aren’t gonna make it
IRS: hey time to do taxes guess how much you owe
Me: i don’t want to guess can you just tell me
IRS: …
Me: hello?
IRS: i’m thinking of a number between one and jail
I thought “ghosting” was when you slowly tricked someone you didn’t like into thinking their apartment was haunted until they moved far away
“No matter what it is, two chews and a swallow is all you need. Efficiency is the key…”
~Dogs probably
[holding a baby]
me: uh so how long have you been a baby?
Women are like bacon, they smell great, taste delicious and kill you slowly.
Men are like bacon because we’re pigs.
Husband seen complaining about a plate that hadn’t been cleaned properly which he’d personally cleaned.
I love how this restaurant keeps a fish tank by the front entrance so I can just reach my hand in and eat a fish on the way out for free.
me forcing everyone to watch a movie i really like
My 5yo asked me where his shoes were and when I told him I didn’t know he told me “that’s not a good enough answer daddy” so where is he keeping all that audacity?
The human body is 70% water and 30% land
If you tell my dog he’s getting a treat and forget, he will stalk you until you remember. We came in an hour ago and I just figured out why he’s been following me around and staring at me like I’m made of bacon.
My girlfriend told me she loved me and wanted to marry me so I shot her in self defense.
I’ve wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.
When you’re eating chips and dip there’s always the search for the “strong” chip to head into the dip to save the broken, weaker chips dying in the dip.
my 80yr/o grandma is on facebook & she is a living click-bait article, she didn’t even tell me what to do with it
Trader Joe’s: What if pumpkin had a baby with everything?
*getting murdered*
Me: *pointing to murderer’s t-shirt* Ha ha, you went to a Justin Bieber concert
Your honor I object! That other lawyer is saying stuff that makes my client look guilty
Sorry I’m late, I was combing granola bar out of my daughter’s hair for 25 minutes
Kids are like bears. If you play dead eventually they’ll leave you alone.
Before arbys gets sucked into the sun with the rest of the earth and everything you’ve ever known or loved, please come eat some of our crap
Japan’s theme parks have banned screaming on roller coasters because it spreads coronavirus. “Please scream inside your heart.”
am dying at this guy in the abercrombie&fitch netflix documentary explaining the concept of a shopping mall